


Born To Die

by Phanwich



Series: Born To Die [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Because nothing is as it seems, Everyone Has Issues, Fear, Guns, Human Experimentation, Hurt Dan Howell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Laboratories, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running Away, So is PJ, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is why people have trust issues folks, Threats of Violence, Unethical Experimentation, Violence, Yeep, and chris, phil is nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-05 05:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 19,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12788208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanwich/pseuds/Phanwich
Summary: "It's not my fault I'm a maniac.""I know it's not."---Dan never asked for this. He never asked to be poked and prodded like a piece of meat, to be stabbed with needles and violated in the worst kind of way. He's going to get out.And where there's a will, there's a way.





	1. The Road Gets Tough (I Don't Know Why)

**Author's Note:**

> Credit: I took a lot of inspiration from James Patterson's Maximum Ride novels. I fully recommend you read them. There are also a number of references to musicals, songs, and pop culture in general. I thank the glorious cesspool that is the internet
> 
> This story now has a soundtrack! The basis for this is I'm a musician first and foremost, and I take a lot of inspiration from music. The song may relate to the events of the chapter, inspired it, or just have been in my head as I wrote.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nixie2002/playlist/1TKYld8vaJziKrLdQntsXw
> 
> *editing and nitpicking to be done*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Butterflies And Hurricanes - Muse (Absolution, 2003)  
> 2\. Born To Die - Lana Del Rey (Born To Die, 2012)  
> 3\. Apocalypse Please - Muse (Absolution, 2003)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Born To Die  
> Lana Del Rey  
> Born To Die  
> 2012

BANG!

Dan whimpers, covering his ears as a smooth, slightly melodic voice speaks through the door.

"Come on out, baby," a man's voice calls. "You can't hide forever, you know."

That might be true, but Dan's not coming out until he absolutely has to.

"Do the right thing, doll," he continues. "If you come out now, you won't be punished- I promise. You're going back one way or another, so don't make me come in there, Feathers." Dan feels anger course through his veins at the nickname.

"Fuck off!" he snarls, jumping involuntarily as there's another loud hit against the door. Dan can't see a thing inside this dark closet, so he focuses on the sounds outside instead.

"Grey, you have to the count of three," the man warns, and Dan hears a gun cock. He furrows his brow in a glare and crosses his arms stubbornly. "One, two- fuck it!" Dan instinctively drops to the ground as the man shatters the lock before yanking the door open, causing harsh white light to stream into the small closet. Strong hands grasp his arms, and Dan screams and kicks blindly. Cold metal handcuffs secure his wrists behind his back, and he falls as someone shoves him forward.

"Let me up!" Dan cries, twisting his body in a vain attempt to escape.

"Not so tough now, are you, Feathers?" the man muses, kneeling in front of Dan. Dan growls, working up a mouthful of saliva and spitting at him. The name tag on his pristine white lab coat- a colour Dan has learned to hate- reads Jacob, and he wears an arrogant smirk on his his pale face, blond hair falling over his face stupidly. "You never really were- I've been watching your reports for a couple weeks. Disappointing, really. Everyone has always spoken rather highly of you, but oh, well."

"Then why do you keep me locked up, if I'm so disappointing?" Dan asks, shaking his hair from his eyes as he pulls against the handcuffs. He can feels the wounds that have scarcely healed from the last time reopening, but he doesn't care- he just wants out. "Surely I'm more trouble than I'm worth."

"It's not what you've done or what you're doing, lovely," Jabob replies, resting a gloved hand against Dan's cheek and ignoring how he shudders. "It's what you could do, what could happen to you. The world out there, Grey, would laugh at you. They would mock you, hurt you. You'd be a freak show in their eyes. If they're kind, they'll kill you. If not, they'll put you on display for others to gawk and laugh at. You wouldn't survive out there, baby." He stands, grabbing a hold of Dan's upper arms and lifting him to his feet. "We're protecting you- understand?"

"I guess," Dan replies quietly, looking down. Jacob signals another white coated man, who walks over and takes Dan.

"Again, Grey?" he asks, sighing. "I hate doing this, you know."

"It's not my fault I'm a maniac," Dan replies, walking with him willingly.

"I know, but if you could at least calm down from time to time," the man suggests gently. "I really don't like to do this to you." He lets go of Dan to scan his badge against a door.

PJ, his name tag reads. He's not very big or strong, but Dan has taken a liking to him in the two weeks since he started working here. PJ has been kind- something most of the others aren't- and doesn't hurt him or force him into things just because he can. Dan hasn't felt any desire to hurt him either, the way he has with the others, and coming from Dan, that's like love.

Dan follows PJ into the room, wincing at the white light and letting PJ unlock his wrists before sitting in the reclining metal chair. PJ attaches electrodes to Dan's temples, chest and hips, and Dan shudders involuntarily as PJ's gloved hands brush his skin, staring ahead as PJ tightens straps around his wrists, ankles and midsection.

"I'm taking off thirty seconds because you didn't fight me when I brought you here, nor when I hooked you up," PJ tells him, resting his hand on a lever on the far wall.

"Thank you," Dan replies quietly.

"Of course," PJ says. "Fifteen seconds, Grey- that's all you have to handle. One, two, three." He flips the lever, and Dan's body instinctively tenses.

It takes about two seconds before anything actually happens, but when it does, Dan can't help but scream. His back arches as he fights to get away from the painful bursts of electricity coursing through his body, but there's nowhere to go. Tears stream down his face, making it worse, and he screams louder as he twists and turns. After what feels an eternity, the shocks subside, and Dan is left shaking violently and crying as PJ helps him to his feet.

"Are you alright?" PJ asks, steadying Dan as his knees buckle.

"Yeah, I just- I just hate that- that thing," Dan chokes out, shaking his head.

"I know," PJ replies, "and I hate using it, but when they tell me I have to, I have to."

"Not blaming you," Dan mutters, his voice thick as he wipes his eyes. He draws in a shaky breath. "I want to be normal, Peej," he admits, "but what is normal?"

"I wouldn't know," PJ answers sadly. "Can you walk?" Dan nods. "I'll take you back to your room." Dan nods again, silently following him through the stark white- and endless- corridors, keeping his eyes on the floor. PJ scans his badge, opening the door to Dan's 'room.' It's more of a glorified cell, with a bed, sink and toilet, hardly ten feet in any direction- including up.

"Good night," Dan mumbles, sitting on his bed as PJ sets a glass on the sink for him.

"Good night, Grey," he replies, smiling. "I'm working tomorrow, so keep yourself out of trouble and I might bring you something, alright?"

"No promises," Dan replies, giggling as PJ gives him a mock-stern look.

"I'll see you later, kid," PJ says. "Good night." He waves before shutting the door and flipping off the lights. Dan sighs, stretching out his arms. He walks over to the sink, rinsing the blood from his wrists before filling the glass PJ left and taking a long drink. Dan rolls back his shoulders, focusing on the muscles by his shoulder blades. He relaxes them slowly, smiling unconsciously as feathers brush his spine. Dan unfurls his wings a little further, letting them wrap around his shoulders and envelope him in warmth. He can't see the black feathers in the darkness, but he knows each one intimately- they're part of him.

Maybe he is a freak, maybe the scientists are right, but, Dan decides with a small smile, it's his life and he doesn't know anything else, so that's just fine.

And it is, right?


	2. My Name Is... (And I Care What You Think)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Mirage - Lindsey Stirling ft. Raja Kumari (Brave Enough, 2016)  
> 2\. Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? - Fall Out Boy (Infinity On High, 2007)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> Stressed Out  
> Twenty One Pilots  
> Blurryface  
> 2015

Grey. That's the name assigned to Dan, the one the scientists use when addressing him.

Well, Grey or Subject 1-1-7.

Dan doesn't exist except within his own mind, because he gave himself that name. He isn't an animal for other people to name as if they own him, and while he can do nothing about how they poke and prod him, he can give himself an alias- a piece of identity that can't be stripped away. He listened for month, trying to piece together the perfect name, and eventually, he did.

Daniel James Howell.

He doesn't know his real name. It starts with a 'D' and that's all he knows, but there's a million and one options that it could be. Either way, it doesn't matter if he's really a Damian or Dmitri or Dominic- Dan is the name he chose, and that makes it his identity more than whatever the legal one on his paperwork says. The scientists may know things Dan doesn't, like his name, birth date, parents and more, but there are things lab reports and tests can't tell them.

Dan's thoughts are among those.


	3. Running Through The Parking Lot (He Chased Me And He Wouldn't Stop)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Tag, You're It - Melanie Martinez (Cry Baby, 2015)  
> 2\. 27 - Fall Out Boy (Folie à Deux, 2008)  
> 3\. What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy (Folie à Deux, 2008)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Tag, You're It  
> Melanie Martinez  
> Cry Baby  
> 2015

Dan wakes suddenly, his lungs rejecting the very air around him. He coughs and gags, dropping to the floor in an effort to find fresh air, but there is none. The air is dry and filled with smoke, burning his throat and making his eyes tear up.

"Help!" he croaks, crawling across the air and banging on the door pitifully. There's no change, and Dan covers his nose in his shirt in an effort to keep out the poison. He starts going light headed and suddenly a fan kicks on, sucking out the smoky air, and Dan slowly regains the ability to breathe.

"Test complete," a mechanical voice calls, and Dan's eye twitches as he realises what's happened.

A test.

Dan swears as he regains his breath, coughing in an attempt to rid his body of the toxins he's inhaled. It isn't fair- it's not fucking fair that everything he does is for some whack-job experiment that's probably illegal and certainly unethical and immoral.

They filled his room with smoke for no reason other than they wanted to see how he'd react.

Body trembling, Dan climbs back into his bed, pulling the thin blanket around his shoulders as he curls up on his side. For obvious reasons, Dan's not a back sleeper. He can see figures moving beneath the door, voices speaking indistinctly, and he shudders. He has no idea how long he's been here- since he was very young, at least- and no idea how much longer they'll keep him here. Surely, they should know every square inch of him, down to the cellular level, by now. They've taken samples of his blood, skin, saliva, urine, semen (what they did with that, Dan really doesn't want to know), bones, feathers, feces and hair, and yet they come back for more. They've placed him in mazes like a rat, forced him to fight opponents much bigger than himself, put him in sensory deprivation tanks, withheld food and water...

What more do they need to find out?

Dan doesn't have time to ponder it- the door opens, and a dark haired man who's badge reads Chris beckons him forward. Dan sighs, dropping the blanket and stepping forward, following him through the halls. Chris opens a door, and they sit at a table.

"How are you feeling?" Chris asks. Dan laughs humourlessly.

"I've been better," he answers, coughing pointedly.

"My apologies," Chris replies, seemingly unconcerned. "Would you extend your wings?"

"Why?" Dan asks, feeling them twitch beneath his shirt.

"Measuring," Chris answers simply, holding up a measuring stick. Rolling his eyes, Dan stands and unfurls them, wincing slightly when his primary feathers snag slightly on the slits cut in his shirt. Here, there's enough space that Dan can actually extend the muscles all the way. Chris quickly measures, whistling as he jots down notes. "Eight feet. Impressive." He hands Dan a pair of headphones, and Dan puts them on- he knows how this goes. A faint beeping comes from his left side, and he raises his left hand. Same for the right. Right, right, left, right, left, left, right, left. Chris signals for him to remove them, and he does, setting them on the table.

"Anything else?" Dan asks tiredly. Chris checks a paper.

"They want you downstairs for a flying test," he answers. Dan groans, but follows Chris into the hallway.

Flying tests mean hours of beating his wings hopelessly against strong air currents, going as fast as he can for as long as he can.

As Chris leads Dan through the halls, Dan's eyes land on a door marked as an exit. Sunlight streams weakly through the glass window at the top, and he notes Chris' identification card, sticking out of his right pocket.

The choice is made.

Dan grabs the card, taking off towards the door. He slams the badge against the scanner as Chris screams out a code, and throws the door open. The sun is just beneath the horizon- setting or rising, Dan doesn't know- and he races towards the fence, unfurling his wings.

Dan doesn't hesitate. He leaps up, the familiar action- instinctive by this point- of beating his wings taking over.

"Upstroke, downstroke," he murmurs in time. Something whistles past him on the left side, and Dan veers to the right, looking down. Someone is pointing a smoking gun at him, shouting. Instinct takes over, and Dan flaps harder, surging away from the threat. Eventually, the laboratory is merely a speck in the distance, and Dan laughs excitedly.

He doesn't know where he's going, but he doesn't think he's coming back.


	4. Is There Somewhere You Can Meet Me (Halfway Seems Like A Reasonable Compromise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy (Folie A Deux, 2008)  
> Sing For Absolution - Muse (Absolution, 2003)  
> The 2nd Law: Isolated System - Muse (The 2nd Law, 2012)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> Is There Somewhere  
> Halsey  
> Room 93  
> 2015

Phil is sipping a coffee as he answers emails when the boy first enters. It's not his age that gets Phil's attention, though- it's his expression of unadulterated wonder, almost childlike in nature. He wears a simple black t-shirt and sweatpants, a pair of old sneakers on his feet. His brown hair is a stack of messy ringlets atop his head, his skin pale as if he hasn't been outside in years.

He watches everything and everyone distrustfully, though, and Phil has to wonder where he's from and what he's been through.

The boy stands a few feet away from the counter for a moment, his back against the wall, clearly torn between what he wants and what his mind is telling him. Eventually, he decides that what he wants or needs is more important, and he steps forward.

"May I have a glass of water?" he asks, and Phil has to strain his ears to hear his quiet voice over the awful din of the Starbucks.

"Anything else?" the cashier asks, ringing it up. The boy seems startled, and his eyes widen at the sight of an egg-and-cheese breakfast sandwich.

"Can- can I get one of those?" he asks, pointing.

"£5, please," the cashier says, bagging the sandwich. The boy's face falls, and Phil decides to help him out.

"I don't-" he begins as Phil stands and comes up behind him.

"Did you forget money again?" he asks, interrupting the boy and trying to act as if they know each other. The boy seems taken aback, and he doesn't reply. "Honestly, I told you- no, this is the last time I'm bailing you out." Phil hands the cashier a £10 note. "Add another sandwich," he explains- he wants one, too. The cashier hands Phil the food and water, and Phil starts back towards his table, gesturing for the boy to follow. He does, eyeing Phil wearily and clearly questioning his motives.

"Wha-" the boy begins, but Phil shakes his head.

"Since you're obviously hungry, I'll let you eat before I interrogate you," Phil jokes, handing the boy a sandwich. He inspects it a moment, seemingly concerned that Phil might have poisoned it in the two seconds the food's been out of his sight, but hunger eventually wins out and he falls on the food like a starving jackal. The whole thing is gone in less than a minute, and the boy downs the entire glass of water as well. Phil blinks, surprised.

"Wow. I guess you can have this one, too," he says slowly, offering the boy the second sandwich. Phil stands, buying three more and two more cups of water, and by the time he returns, the food is history. The boy's russet eyes land on the food instantly, but Phil hands him the water instead. "If you want more, you'll have to answer my questions, first," he explains. "What's your name?"

"My... name?" the boy asks, and Phil barely catches his words. Phil nods, smiling gently.

"You know, the one you were gifted when you were born?" he jokes. The boy shrugs sadly, and Phil feels like he just stuck his foot in his mouth- that was clearly a bad move. "Okay, well, what do you go by?"

"What others to call me, what I go by, and what my parents named me... those are three very different things," the boy replies.

"What would you like me to call you?" Phil asks, fighting to keep the edge of impatience out of his voice. The boy stiffens slightly, watching as a woman in a white dress walks by through the window. Once she passes, he relaxes a bit, and stares at Phil as if debating something in his head while he drinks the water in front of him.

"Dan," he finally says, setting the empty cup on the table. "You can call me Dan, or Daniel."

"Well, Dan-or-Daniel," Phil says, breaking a sandwich in two, "I'm Phil." He hands the boy the food, and it's gone in the blink of an eye- before Phil can even pick up his own drink. "Do they not feed you where you're from?" Phil blurts, mentally face-palming his stupidity. There are things a man with sense doesn't say, and that's one of them. Dan seems unoffended, though.

"Sometimes they do," he answers slowly, and there's something different about his voice this time, but Phil can't pick it out. "Sometimes they don't. I need a lot of calories- four to six thousand a day. I don't hit half that on a normal day."

"I can't imagine why!" Phil replies, not bothering to keep the surprise out of his words. "That's two to three times the average person! Where do you even put it? You're skinny as a rail!" Dan shrugs. "Okay, well, where are you from?"

"Can't say," Dan answers. Phil raises an eyebrow. "I can't- I don't actually know." Phil hands him the other half of the sandwich.

"How old are you?" Phil asks as Dan devours the food. The boy shrugs again.

"How old are you?" he returns. Phil takes a long drink of his caramel macchiato.

"I'm thirty," he answers. His eyes fall on the puncture marks dotting along Dan's arms and neck, the unhealthily pale hue of his bruised skin, the faint scars along his forearms, the healing scrapes along his wrists.

"Are you being hurt, Daniel?" Phil asks quietly, not wanting anyone to overhear him. Dan swallows, quickly shaking his head. "You can trust me- I'm here to help. Is someone hurting you?"

"No!" Dan answers, too fast.

"Can I call anyone for you?" Phil asks. Dan shakes his head, and Phil frowns- he's clearly being deprived of something. "Tell you what," he begins, handing Dan the last two sandwiches and smiling grimly as the boy wolfs them down. "Why don't you come with me, and we'll figure something out, okay?" Dan blinks, confused, but he seems much less on edge than when Phil initially spoke to him.

"Where are we going?" he asks, standing up as Phil does the same.

"Well, my flat's hardly a five minute walk from here," Phil explains, pocketing his phone and downing the rest of his drink as Dan finishes off the water. "If you want, we can stop by there, and you can change clothes." Dan frowns, looking down.

"What's wrong with my clothes?" he asks.

"No offense," Phil says slowly, "but you smell like a campfire." Dan scowls.

"That is not my fault," he argues as he and Phil walk down the street. "I had a rude awakening."

"What happened?" Phil asks, setting a brisk pace as they make their way through the crowds.

"I woke up to smoke in my room," Dan says casually, shrugging as if it happens to everyone at some point.

'Ah,' Phil thinks. 'Not homeless, then.'

They walk in silence, and Dan's wide eyes take in everything they pass, clearly intrigued. Eventually, Phil leads him inside, and Dan gasps.

"Well, shit," he breathes, taking in the wide lounge. His long fingers run over the table, the sofa, the chairs and books.

"Let me bring you some clothes," Phil offers. He leaves Dan in the lounge and enters his bedroom, gathering a pair of black skinny jeans, a belt, and a monochrome plaid button up. When he returns, Dan has his left hand resting on one of Phil's novels, his eyes closed.

"He's on chapter... thirty two," Dan mumbles. "Third time reading. Bought and gifted by a friend... almost six months ago."

"How did you know that?" Phil demands. Dan jumps, turning to face Phil.

"I-I didn't-" he stammers, backing against the wall. "I d-don't-"

"Who are you?" Phil asks, setting the small bundle of clothes on the end table.

"I-I told you," Dan stutters nervously, "I'm Dan."

"You don't know your birth name, you don't know where you're from, you don't know your date of birth or age, and you arrived covered in injuries and practically starving," Phil continues. "Something weird is going on here."

"Please," Dan whispers, sounding tiny. "I just want a friend." Phil sighs.

"Yeah," he replies quietly. "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes before it gets better / The darkness gets bigger."  
> -Miss Missing You, Fall Out Boy (Save Rock And Roll, 2013)
> 
> (Make of that what you will.)


	5. Look Into Your Eyes And See Infinity (Look Into My Own And See Nothing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter  
> 1\. Is There Somewhere - Halsey (Room 93, 2015)  
> 2\. Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez (Crybaby, 2015)  
> 3\. Hurricane - Fleurie (Hurricane, 2017)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> Look Up And See Infinity, Look Down And See Nothing  
> Mayday Parade  
> Black Lines  
> 2015

Dan frowns as he pulls the shirt over his shoulders. Something about it is ruffling his feathers- quite literally. He pulls the shirt off and extends his wings just slightly, letting the feathers lie flat before trying again. This time, he's able to button up the shirt, and he smiles contentedly as he pulls on the jeans and tightens the belt so they stay up. Dan tucks his dirty clothes into the hamper as Phil instructed before exiting, watching Phil cautiously.

"That thing you did with the book," Phil blurts suddenly. "Can you do it with other things?" Dan stares for a second, surprised.

"I guess so," he replies slowly. Dan crosses the room, resting his hand on the television. "You've had this for about two years?" He frowns, biting his lip. "You typically use it during the evening or night. The last things you did were... play Mario Kart and... watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer?"

"That is insane," Phil deadpans. "How do you do it?"

"I don't know," Dan answers honestly. He has no idea how this skill works- it was never explained to him, and why should it have been? He was, after all, just the metaphorical guinea pig.

The literal ones have had a much softer life than he.

Dan is sure, though, that it's a side effect of all the crazy experiments he's been subjected to over the years, just like his uncanny hearing, hawk-like sight, dietary needs, quick healing, and, oh yeah, his fucking wings.

"What would happen if you touched me?" Phil asks, snapping Dan out of his thoughts. Dan replays the conversation in his head, reestablishing what the context is.

"I-I'm not sure," he admits. Cautiously, Dan sits beside Phil on the couch, reaching towards his hand. He stops just millimeters away, freezing. "Can- can I?"

"Yeah, of course," Phil answers. Swallowing nervously, Dan clasps Phil's right hand in both of his own, closing his eyes. Dan frowns slightly. "What? What's wrong?" Phil asks curiously.

"You're different," Dan answers. It's true- Phil's mind isn't like objects, where Dan can just tell. No, Phil is more like doors, folders and layers, all mixed together. Slowly, Dan sifts through. "Your name is Phil Lester. Uh, your dream job as a child was weatherman." Dan tries to focus on personal details rather than blunt facts, but there are certain things Phil doesn't seem to want him to see- everytime he gets close enough, it slips just out of reach. "You- nope, lost that one. Your celebrity crush is... Sarah Michelle Gellar? You don't have many friends, and as a kid you had an obsession with metallic green envelopes." He forces his eyes open in an effort to physically pry himself from Phil's head, and releases Phil's hand.

"You just read my mind," Phil breathes, sounding shocked. Dan nods, staring at his hands. "Did you know you could do that?"

"No," he answers quietly. "You're the first person I've ever touched, so I couldn't have." Dan stiffens- he hadn't meant to say that.

It doesn't go unnoticed by Phil.

"I'm the first person you've-" he repeats, stopping halfway through to look at Dan quizzically. Dan doesn't make eye contact, feeling incredibly inadequate and stupid.

"Yeah," he whispers. He can't take it back now, so why bother trying to hide it?

"Dan, what's going on?" Phil asks gently, trying not to come across too strongly. "I don't know what your life is like, so anything you can tell me would be helpful."

"I can't," Dan gasps out. "You'll hate me."

"I don't hate much of anyone," Phil says lightly. "You'd have to be a serial killer or something for me to hate you by this point. I've already bought you food, and that says something because I don't do that for just anyone."

"You'll sell me off to some freak show!" Dan accuses. Phil's small smile disappears instantly.

"What?" he asks. "Why-"

"Or- or you'll kill me!" Dan continues, standing up. The urge to run- or fly- is strong, but he knows he can't do that.

"Daniel, I'm not going to hurt you, let alone kill you or sell you!" Phil assures him quickly, putting his hands up. "Talk to me. That's all I want, honest." Dan whimpers quietly, and Phil almost misses the fearful sound- almost being the key word there.

"Y-you promise?" Dan asks. Phil nods, forcing a polite smile.

"Promise," he vows, making a little 'X' over his heart. "Talk to me, Daniel.

"That's all I want."


	6. Won't You Take A Breath And Dive In Deep?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably overwhelming everyone with all the updates, but it's a productive day, so take it. I won't be here to post until at least Monday.
> 
> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Absolutely Smitten - Dodie (Intertwined - EP, 2016)  
> 2\. Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco (Pretty. Odd., 2008)  
> 3\. Golden - Fall Out Boy (Infinity On High, 2007)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Haunting  
> Halsey  
> Badlands (Deluxe)  
> 2015

Dan swallows nervously, standing in the middle of the room. He allows his shaking fingers to unbutton his shirt, his teeth sunk into his bottom lip.

He can't allow himself to think too much about the possible consequences of his actions, or he'll chicken out.

No pun intended, of course.

"It- um, it's easier to show you," Dan explains quietly, noticing Phil's confused expression. Phil nods, averting his gaze as Dan finishes taking off his shirt and balls up the fabric, dropping it on the floor. He keeps his back to Phil, and Dan feels like he might pass out from nervousness.

And then he does it.

Partially, anyway.

Slowly, as if a lack of speed will somehow make it easier to digest, Dan extends his wings just slightly.

"What the hell is that?" Phil demands, standing up. Dan recoils at the reaction, and Phil immediately softens his tone. "Dan, what is that?"

"They- they're m-my wings," Dan spits out. There. The whole ugly truth is out in the open and Phil is either going to prove the scientists right or wrong.

He's either going to destroy Dan's whole world or build it up.

"Holy shit," Phil breathes, circling Dan slowly, taking in the black feathers with wide, curious eyes. "Are they real?"

"Um, yeah," Dan confirms, stretching them out a little further.

"Not attached to your arms?" Phil asks. Dan flaps them once.

"No, I have six limbs," Dan answers, slightly perplexed.

"Like a dragon," Phil muses. He raises a hand towards the dark feathers cautiously. "May I?" Dan nods, flinching involuntarily when Phil gently runs his fingers over his wings. "That's incredible. You're like an actual angel!"

"Thanks," Dan mutters, pulling them back in. Phil observes the way the wings fold against Dan's back as the boy pulls his shirt back on.

"How did this happen?" Phil asks. Dan freezes, his fingers stopping at the buttons.

The question he's been dreading is out in the air.

"I-I don't know!" he gasps out, collapsing to his knees. Phil kneels beside him, taking his hand and stroking it soothingly. Dan yanks back, shaking his head. "I'm an experiment- I have been since I was a baby, maybe even longer! I don't think you- they're not going to let me go, Phil! They're going to hunt me down and throw me back in a cell and run a million more tests and when they've found all they can they'll kill me to get rid of the evidence."

"It won't happen," Phil tells him quietly. "I won't let it."

"You can't stop it," Dan replies thickly, wiping his eyes. "I couldn't, you can't- no one can."

"You can live with me," Phil offers. "I don't have much to offer, but I have a place to live, a job, and a moral compass. I won't hurt you, at least not on purpose." Dan looks up.

"You-your're not disgusted by me?" he whimpers. Phil smiles gently.

"Why would I be?" he asks. "Because you were subjected to things out of your control? I formed my opinion of you before you showed me your wings, and they change nothing about your actual person- who you are."

"I don't- I don't know anything about being normal," Dan admits. Phil laughs.

"Normal?" he repeats. "Who wants that? Normalness leads to sadness, Daniel, and you'd do well to learn that."


	7. Sometimes Evil Comes From Unexpected Places (And Sometimes It's From Exactly Where You Thought)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Impossible Year - Panic! At The Disco (Death Of A Bachelor, 2015)  
> 2\. Time Is Running Out - Muse (Absolution, 2004)  
> 3\. Let's Kill Tonight - Panic! At The Disco (Vices and Virtues, 2011)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> My own head because I can be creative. Don't look so surprised. I see you shaking your head. Stop it!

"We have a match!" a woman shouts. "Subject 1-1-7 is in London, England."

"Narrow it down, Dorothy!" snaps Jacob. The blond is in an even more foul mood than normal, having been assigned to track down Grey and blamed for his disappearance.

When Jacob gets a hold of his scrawny little neck...

Well, the freak better be ready to beg for mercy.

"CCTV records show that he left a Starbucks on the corner of Fourth and Fremont," Dorthy says, dragging a grainy image onto the large screen in the middle of the room. She enhances it, and all four scientists look up in surprise as a tall, dark haired man comes into sharper focus. "He left with a man."

"Profile him!" Jacob orders. "I want all of you working on this- I want to know every goddamn detail on this guy. I want to know who he is, where he's from, where he lives, who his friends are, where he works, who his family is, how he likes his tea, Doctor Who, what medications he takes, what websites he frequents, where he attended school, where his family is. I want to know everything about him and then some!"

"With all due respect, sir," a quiet voice says, "this could be an opportunity to see how the subject interacts with the general population." Jacob turns, his eyes narrowing as he steps closer to the curly haired brunette who spoke.

"Ah, PJ, isn't it?" he asks. A nod. "Well, PJ, if I wanted to know that, I'd have put him in a controlled environment where I could monitor every step!" PJ jerks back, startled by the sudden intensity of his voice.

"We have a profile match!" Chris calls, giving PJ a sympathetic look. He doesn't like working here any more than Peej, but it's the only job he's got. If he had it his way, he'd have let Grey go a long time ago, but the looming threat of death is one that haunts over everyone.

Some are just slightly less afraid of it- like PJ.

Others just like being arseholes and don't need a threat to keep them in line- like Jacob and Dorthy.

"We're looking at a Philip Michael Lester," Dorthy reads, pulling up his government records. "Age thirty, born January thirtieth in 1987."

"Puts him at four years older than the subject," PJ murmurs. It's a tiny act of defiance, stating Grey's age, but one that Chris admires greatly.

Chris has always admired PJ from afar, if he's honest.

"His current residence is in London, about three blocks from where he and the subject were spotted," Chris adds, noting the way Jacob glares at him.

Chris isn't one noted for his bravery, or for his ability to withstand pressure.

"He's single, from Rawtenstall, Lancashire," Chris continues. "Employment records state he's a DJ for BBC Radio 1 on Monday nights and a freelance filmmaker and cameraman as needed."

"Nothing too suspicious in his internet history," Dorthy says. "Frequents social media- Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook- and business sites, with the occasional porno."

"Dorthy, pull up his phone records!" Jacob demands. Dorthy does so immediately.

"A lot of calls to the BBC- which makes sense, given his line of work," she announces. "Doesn't seem to make a lot of social calls."

"Pharmaceutical records indicate no known diseases or conditions," Chris adds, not wanting to be one-upped. "Past records do state, however, that he previously had depression- severe without- as a student. Currently in full remission."

"He attended York," PJ offers quietly, sitting in a chair and clicking through school records. "Graduated with full honours in 2010, earning a Master's degree in postproduction with visual effects and a BA in English literature."

"Is he home?" Jacob asks.

"His mobile is on, so let me track it..." Dorthy mumbles. "His mobile's GPS signal suggests so, yes."

"How far?" Jacob demands.

"Three hours and twelve minutes if we drive," Dorthy answers.

"Lady and gentlemen," Jacob announces, picking up a gun and loading it, "it's duck season."


	8. I'll Stay When You're Lost And I'm Scared And You're Turning Away (Because I Want You; I'll Colour Me Blue- Anything It Takes To Make You Stay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fluff 'cause sh*t is about to get real, folks.
> 
> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. New Year's Day - Taylor Swift (Reputation, 2017)  
> 2\. Truce - Twenty One Pilots (Vessel, 2013)  
> 3\. Secret For The Mad - Dodie Clark (You, 2017)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> New Year's Day  
> Taylor Swift  
> Reputation  
> 2017
> 
> BLUE  
> Troye Sivan feat. Alex Hope  
> Blue Neighbourhood (Deluxe)  
> 2015

Phil is introducing Dan to the internet, and it's not going well.

Correction- it's going hilariously wrong.

"So, none of this is actually inside this box?" Dan asks, looking over the laptop.

"No, silly," Phil laughs. "It's a projection, almost. I'm sorry, I can't explain the technology behind it. I'm useless, I know."

"Useless," Dan repeats, scoffing. "So I can find out anything in the world?"

"Just about," Phil confirms, helping himself to a handful of the snack mix in Dan's lap.

"That's absolutely... just mental," Dan whispers, clicking through Phil's bookmarks experimentally. "What's BBC stand for?" he asks as the Radio 1 iPlayer page loads.

"The British Broadcasting Corporation," Phil announces somewhat grandly. He frowns thoughtfully as he adds, "or Company. I always forget."

"That's you, isn't it?" Dan asks, pointing at a familiar face. Phil nods as he takes another handful of the snack. "How can you be here and there at once?"

"It's a recording," Phil explains, leaning over Dan and pressing play. "See, that was Monday night, which was last night. I did that then, and now there's a record of it online for people to watch if they missed it." Phil's eyes light up. "It's like when you do the thing with objects- you said you can just tell what happened, almost see it?" Dan nods. "Kind of like that, but for everyone. It's a repeat of an event gone by."

"I see," Dan mumbles, closing the laptop. Whether he really does or is just saying so, Phil isn't sure, but there's plenty of time to try to explain it later. "I'm tired," he says quietly, leaning against Phil and practically curling up in his lap. Phil freezes, unsure of how to proceed, and gently brushes a stray curl from Dan's face. "Don't leave me," Dan pleads sleepily, closing his eyes.

"I'm not," Phil assures him. "As ling as you want me, I'm right here, Daniel." Dan hums softly and his body relaxes as he drifts off, and Phil is suddenly taken aback by how young he looks. Anger fills his bones as his eyes land on the wounds dotting Dan's pale skin, and he fumes silently. Dan told him a little bit about the nature of the experiments he's been subjected to, and even though he didn't go into much detail, it was still enough to make Phil sick.

Not all of it was experiments, though. Some of it was punishment for acting out, for trying to run away, and some of it was just bullying- people in higher authority pushing Dan down just because they could, reminding him that in their eyes, he was just a way to make money- and some of it was just criminal acts done simply because Dan had no rights.

Most of it was downright evil.

How dare anyone do such horrible things.

Before Phil can think twice about what he's doing, before he can stop himself, he leans down and places a gentle kiss on Dan's cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers. "I'm not leaving you, so don't you leave me. You've been in my life for less than five hours, and still you've made me feel complete. You've given me a sense of purpose, a friend, a family.

"You really are an actual angel, Daniel."


	9. In The End, I'd Do It All Again (But Can You See The Panic Inside? I'm Making You Uneasy, Aren't I?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy (American Beauty/American Psycho, 2015)  
> 2\. Hysteria - Muse (Absolution, 2003)  
> 3\. 6/10 - Dodie Clark (You, 2017)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> The Kids Aren't Alright  
> Fall Out Boy  
> American Beauty/American Psycho  
> 2015
> 
> 6/10  
> Dodie Clark  
> You - EP  
> 2017

Loud knocking startles both Dan and Phil out of sleep, and they look at each other in confusion.

"I'll get it," Phil murmurs, his voice thick. Dan moves to the side, allowing Phil to stand. The raven stumbles across the lounge, gritting his teeth as more knocking starts. "It's probably just a solicitor." He yawns as he opens the door. "Hello, how may I- oh," he breathes, putting his hands up as his forehead comes in contact with the metal barrel of a gun. "If you want me to buy your product, all you have to do is ask. Sales that bad?"

"Shut up," a short woman with piercing green eyes and short brown hair snaps. "Where is he?"

"Where is who?" Phil asks calmly, keeping his hands up as a brunette pats him down.

"The boy," a blond answers as he pockets his gun, his voice dripping with what Phil can only describe as seduction.

It's clear the sugary sweet tone masks a complete madman.

"The boy?" Phil repeats.

"We're looking for a young man named Grey," the woman explains. Phil already doesn't like her, not with her demeaning tone of voice and haughty air.

"I don't know a Grey," Phil replies. "It's only me and my...self."

"Mind if we come in?" the blond asks.

"I do mind, actually," Phil snaps, blocking him as he tries to step in. "I'm not exactly keen to let the people who had a gun on me hardly five seconds ago enter my house, so forgive me, please."

"We can put that gun right back on you, kid," the woman snaps back. Phil mutters something unpleasant under his breath, but reluctantly steps back. He gets the feeling these people would shoot him in an instance, and he needs to be able to protect Dan. The brunette gives Phil an apologetic look as he enters, and Phil forces a smile. This one doesn't seem as bad as the other two, but Phil's still uneasy.

"Well, who's this?" the blond asks sweetly as his eyes fall on Dan, who's silently watching them all with wide eyes. His face is even paler than before, and he's shaking.

He looks scared, and frankly, Phil is as well.

"No, I need proper introductions before you start interrogating me and my... boyfriend," Phil snarls, the effect lost as he falters on how to address Dan.

"Jacob," the blond says, pointing at himself. "Dorthy-" Here he points at the woman. "-and PJ." The brunette waves half heartedly. "You are?"

"Phil," Phil answers, sure they already know. "That's Dan."

"Dan," Jacob repeats. He kneels in front of Dan, smirking up at him. Dan scoots a bit further back onto the sofa, clearly uncomfortable. "Do you speak, pretty boy, or are you just a hot little mute?"

"Don't speak to him like that," Phil growls, a wave of protectiveness washing over him.

"I-I can speak," Dan stammers, and Phil notices how Dan's voice mimics his own just slightly- his posh Southern English voice is masked just a bit by a London accent. It's a subtle difference, but one that Phil can't help but notice. Dorthy and Jacob exchange looks, and PJ shoves his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

"How long have you two been dating, honey?" Dorthy asks.

"A couple- a couple, um, months," Dan answers quietly.

"And what happened to your wrists?" she asks impatiently. Phil forwns, noticing the wounds of inly hours prior are almost entirely healed. Only faint bruises are left.

"It was a hazing incident," Phil butts in as Dan ducks his head. "It's not any of your business."

"Interesting," Jacob muses.

"If you would be so kind as to leave us the hell alone, that'd be great," Phil snaps, moving to sit beside Dan. Jacob immediately pulls out the gun and trains it on Phil without looking.

"Make one more move and I'll decorate that wall with the insides of your head, lovely," he warns, voice scarily calm. "I assure you, that will not be a hardship." Phil freezes, putting his hands up. Dan whimpers quietly, obviously afraid. "Would you mind taking your shirt off for me, doll?" Jacob asks Dan.

"W-what?" Dan stammers, paling even more. He looks like he's about to pass out. "Yes, I would mind!"

"Too bad, baby, because I need you to do it anyway," Jacob replies, handing the gun to Dorthy, who keeps it trained on Phil. PJ seems uncomfortable, but doesn't move from the corner where he's stayed the whole time. Dan stands, skirting away from everyone quickly. "Oh, don't be like this, pretty boy. You're very cute, you know, and I'd just hate to have to mess up such a lovely face over something so trivial."

"I don't- I don't like people looking at me," Dan excuses himself, exchanging frantic glances with Phil. "I don't even know you and you're- and you're asking me to strip for you."

"Only halfway, but I wouldn't say no to a little more if you offered it," Jacob replies slyly.

Phil cannot believe the nerve of this man. When Dan said he was forced into things...

Phil can't finish the thought without strangling the blond, so he doesn't.

Dan swallows nervously, keeping his back to the wall as he unbuttons his shirt with shaking fingers. As he does so, a thought comes to mind- if he can change his voice just by thinking about it, can he do the same with his body?

Probably not, but it's worth a shot- this is probably his only chance to stay out.

Closing his eyes, Dan imagines his back as it would be naturally- smooth, unmarked and without wings. He feels the feathers against his spine, and then there's nothing. He pushes off his shirt, holding the image in his head, not daring to let it break.

"Turn your pretty little body around, baby," Jacob orders. Dan complies, gasping when the man shoves him against the wall. "Do you really think I don't know this is you, Grey? I've seen your pretty face enough times to recognise you, doll." He runs his gloved hands over Dan's back, and the brunette shivers. "Where are your little angel wings? Lose them?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dan growls through gritted teeth. "Get the fuck off me." Jacob lets him up, and Dan pulls on his shirt, quickly rebuttoning it. Feathers tickle his spine as his wings return, and he scowls. "Are you happy now?"

"For now," Dorthy answers, handing Jacob back the gun. The blond pockets it, baring his teeth at Phil in anger.

"Then get the hell out of my house," Phil snarls, crossing the room and hugging Dan tightly. He can feel his wings beneath the thin material of his shirt, and honestly, Phil doesn't care what's just happened. Dan lets him hold him, wrapping his arms around Phil's neck, but never taking his eyes off the two men and woman. Jacob, Dorthy and PJ start towards the door, and PJ mouths two simple words at Dan.

I'm sorry.

Dan nods microscopically, acknowledging them, and PJ smiles grimly as they all exit. Phil presses a finger against Dan's lips as he begins to speak, moving to the window and watching the trio enter an unmarked white van. It vanishes from sight, and Phil yanks the curtains closed.

"How dare those bastards barge into my house uninvited and point a gun at me while they interrogate and practically molest you!" Phil seethes, collapsing onto the couch. Dan sits next to him.

"The least they could have done was called," Dan jokes. He tries to force a laugh at his own joke, but a dry sob escapes instead as he buries his face in Phil's shirt. "I hate them!" Dan cries.

"Hey, it's alright," Phil whispers, wrapping an arm around Dan's shoulders. "I won't let them hurt you."

"They- they almost fucking shot you to get to me!" Dan chokes out. "I don't want you to die!"

"Guns don't kill people," Phil deadpans. "It's impossible to be killed by a gun. We are all invincible to bullets and it's a miracle." Dan stares at him blankly for a moment, and then they both burst out laughing.

"It's not funny, goddamn it!" Dan cries, still laughing.

"I thought it was," Phil replies, grinning.

"If you ever say that again," Dan says, adopting an air of superiority, "I will shoot you- with a gun- and you, coincidentally, will die."

"You can't kill me- I'm your boyfriend," Phil teases. Dan's playful demeanor vanishes almost entirely.

"You're not," he replies. "I like you, but I don't really know you all that well. I have to decide you're a good fit before I even consider that."

"I give you food, a place to stay and get held at gun point for you and you're not sure I'm not a good fit?" Phil gasps dramatically. Dan rolls his eyes as he realises he's still joking. "My life is worthless. I shall stab myself with a salad fork."

"Shut up," Dan scoffs. Suddenly, he frowns and sits up.

"What?" Phil asks, concerned.

"What the hell is a salad fork?"


	10. There's Nowhere Left To Hide, In No One To Confide; The Truth Runs Deep Inside And Will Never Die (But Still Our Wrongs Remain Unrectified, And Our Souls Won't Be Exhumed)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Goner - Twenty One Pilots (Blurryface, 2015)  
> 2\. Far Too Young To Die - Panic! At The Disco (Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die, 2013)  
> 3\. Welcome To The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance (The Black Parade, 2006)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Sing For Absolution  
> Muse  
> Absolution  
> 2003

Dreams are weird for Dan. They aren't funny or scary or or creative or entertaining.

They just... are.

Dan sees things he shouldn't when he sleeps- things he shouldn't see, period. He sees possible futures. He sees the end of the world. He sees the past. He sees time itself. He sees black holes and supernovas. He sees love and lust. He sees people's intermost thoughts. He sees stars form amidst the deep blues, purples and blacks of space. He sees death and destruction. He sees human souls.

He's never told anyone- for obvious reasons.

That's not what he sees this time, though. This time, he sees something new, something different.

This time, he sees Phil's dreams.

It's something frivolous- some storyline Dan can't quite follow regarding a microwave, a laptop and the internet imploding- but it's invigorating all the same. It thrills him, seeing something so creative and silly rather than the typical dark and depressing world he knows so well. He's fascinated by the way Phil's mind works, how he can supply the ideas and the creativity, but also by the intellectual design of the story. It's not something disconnected and choppy- it flows well, and while Dan can't quite understand everything perfectly due to his lack of knowledge about the world, he can see that it's brilliant. Dan will probably never fully understand what's happening, but he's surprisingly okay with that.

Dan forgets to mention this to Phil when they wake up to guns and demands, and after Phil explains the salad fork thing, Dan is worn out again. He curls up against Phil, practically lying in his lap, and drifts off as Phil plays with his hair.

This time, what he sees isn't as pleasant.

It's Phil's future.

_"Come on out, Grey!" Jacob shouts, holding a gun to Phil's head. "I know you're here, baby!"_

_"Don't be a fool!" Phil cries. "It's a trap! Get out of-" His voice cuts out in a cry of pain as Jacob hits him across the jaw with the butt of the gun, and he collapses onto the floor. The details are blurry- they always are- and Dan can't see the location or the people who haul Phil to his feet and handcuff his hands behind his back. Phil looks dazed and his blue eyes are unfocused, and a bruise is already blooming across his pale skin._

_"Come on out, Grey!" Jacob taunts. "Don't make me hurt your pretty little boy toy anymore than I already have! All you have to do is turn yourself in and he goes free, no strings attached. Otherwise..." Jacob imitates an explosion with his hands, a cruel and sadistic smile on his lips._

_"Don't do it, Daniel," Phil mumbles as rough hands force him to his knees. "Don't worry about me- I'll be fine."_

_"Five seconds, Feathers!" Jacob shouts. "Five!" He cocks the gun. "Four!" He presses it against the back of Phil's head. "Three!" He whispers something in Phil's ear. "Two!" Phil growls in response. "One!" There's a moment of silence, and Phil takes a deep breath before closing his eyes as Jacob pulls the trigger._

_BANG!_

_Phil crumples to the floor, his blue eyes hollow and unseeing. Dan can see wheee the bullet ripped through his head, taking out chunks of skull and brain and disfiguring his once attractive face. Blood is everywhere, and it coats everything in red. It stains Jacob's lab coat, stains Phil's clothes, coats the floor._

It's sickening.

Dan knows there has to be another possibility, though. There's always a way out.

The scene rewinds.

_"One!" Jacob counts, and Dan watches himself walk out, an air of resignation in his posture._

_"Let him go," he demands, letting someone handcuff his hands behind his back. Jacob smirks._

_"Aww, he came to wescue you," he whispers mockingly to Phil, who looks horrified. "The wittle baby birdy's all gwown up now." He turns to Dan, twirling the gun almost playfully. "Are you here to play the role of hero now, doll?"_

_"Dan, why?" Phil moans, staring up at the younger boy._

_"Let him go," Dan repeats forcefully, and both Dan shudder as Jacob pretends to muse. Dan knows that expression well._

_It's the one that says you've just been had._

_"You see, pretty boy," Jacob begins, "this one's quite interesting. With his ginger hair and blue eyes, his high intellect and almost equal right-to-left brain ratios... he's the perfect specimen, isn't he?"_

_"No," Dan breathes, horror-struck._

_"I told you!" Phil cries. "I warned you it was a fucking trap!"_

_"Take them both back," Jacob orders._

The scene dissolves as Phil is hauled off one way and Dan dragged another, and for a moment Dan just digests what he's seen.

Get Phil killed or force him to deal with everything Dan has. Phil hasn't told Dan a lot about himself yet, but Dan can feel the loss and sadness he hides beneath layers of smiles and kind gestures. It shouldn't be a hard choice. Killing him is the merciful thing to do, Dan knows, but how can he?

Get him killed or get him tortured. Get him killed or get him tortured.

It's all Dan's choice- Phil's fate is in his hands now.


	11. Life's Too Short To Worry About Things We Got Wrong (So Hug All Your Friends And Let Them Know You're Not Letting Them Go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Hug All Ur Friends - Cavetown  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dSi913Z7ruA
> 
> (This is one of the most adorable songs ever and I fully recommended you listen to all of Robbie's music. He is amazing and deserves more credit in the British musician world. Also, I quoted it a lot in this chapter.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Hug All Ur Friends  
> Cavetown  
> Gd vibes  
> 2014  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dSi913Z7ruA

When Phil wakes up, he finds Dan sitting on the other side of the couch, staring ahead and shivering violently. He looks ill, and Phil doesn't find that comforting.

"Dan, are you okay?" he asks, worried. Dan turns, meeting his eyes for half a second before looking back down at his hands.

"I have to... go," he whispers, standing up. He's shaking so badly that he almost falls, and Phil steadies him.

"Dan, you can't go," Phil argues, helping him to a chair. "You'll starve to death in a matter of days." He turns, picking up the snack mix they abandoned some hours before and handing it to Dan. Dan stares at it, tempted, but doesn't touch it other than to set it on the table. "Daniel, please eat. You're trembling."

"I have to go somewhere they can't hurt you," Dan mumbles. Phil scoffs, looking down at him.

"Look, whether you like it or not, I'm involved," he snaps, hurt. "You think if you leave, they're just going to leave me out of this? No. They'll come back, demand to know where you are, and when I can't say, they'll kill me."

"They're going to kill you anyway, you moron!" Dan shouts. Phil pales, slowly sinking to his knees. Dan covers his mouth in shock, shaking his head. "No, Phil- I-"

"How do you know?" Phil asks. He doesn't sound upset, but rather numb. He's shocked, Dan decides.

"When- when I sleep," he begins slowly, "I see things. Bad things, usually- the most fucked up shit you can possibly imagine. The first time, it was your dreams. You haven't got any idea how incredible that was, sleeping and not seeing how the world ends, seeing death and destruction, seeing the beginning of time and feeling like everything we do is all meaningless. I should've told you I was in your head earlier, I know, but I forgot after all the drama."

"Dan," Phil pleads, sounding pained. "How?"

"The details were fuzzy- they always are- so I don't know when, where or who, really," Dan admits. "It looks like they're going to kidnap you and then use you as an ultimatum. If I come to rescue you, you become like me. If I don't, they shoot you."

"Shit," Phil breathes. He stands, raking a hand through his hair. His posture is rigid and he's trying desperately to conceal how badly he's shaking.

"I can't let that happen," Dan whispers meekly. "I can't let you die for me!" he shouts. Phil whirls around, and his face is the picture of cold fury.

"You don't get it!" he accuses. "It's not your choice what happens to me!"

"It is my choice, and I'm choosing to erase myself from this narrative," Dan argues. "What happens to you is dependent on whatever choices I make. I'm a curse on your life- that's all I ever have been, to anyone!"

"How dare you!" Phil screeches. "How fucking dare you!" Dan stands, brown eyes hard and hands on his hips. "You really don't listen, do you? You don't pay attention to what you're told or what you're shown."

"What the hell are you on about?" Dan snaps. Phil scoffs, turning away.

"I have no one, Dan," Phil whispers, his voice breaking. "I don't have a family, or friends, or any purpose. I am worthless in every possible way. I don't contribute anything towards society, I don't help. At least let me do something with my life."

"What-" Dan stops halfway through the query, noticing the tears streaking down Phil's face as he stares out the window. "You lost someone you loved."

"I've lost everyone I've ever cared about," Phil refutes, the words almost silent. "My mother, my father, my brother..." He draws in a shaky breath, turning back to Dan. "It, um, was several years back. A plane accident. I was meant to be on that flight, but something went wrong and I wound up on the next one. The plane crashed an hour from the airport. No survivors." Phil rubs the back of his neck idly, looking down. "A month later, my brother's girlfriend hung herself." Dan is silent, processing Phil's words. "And less than six months after that, my best friend overdosed on prescription drugs."

"Fuck, Phil," Dan breathes, feeling his anger fade away. "I'm so sorry."

"It only continued spiraling from there," Phil sighs. "My boyfriend told me he couldn't handle me moping all the time and that I needed to grow up and move on. It turned into a huge fight and we burned that bridge. Never spoke to him again. Family, then the only person who understood, then friend, then lover, and I found myself completely devastated." He laughs humourlessly. "My whole world just vanished, and I was hopeless. I tried to kill myself three times that year- it never worked; I was always too emotionally distraught to rationally go about it.

"You know what it's like to have nothing, to be nothing at all, or so I assume. I lost everything, and I still have nothing because I don't want to allow anyone the opportunity to hurt me in that way again. That was eight years ago, and nothing much has changed. I still have no friends, mo family, no purpose. My perception..." Phil'a voice breaks. "It's nothing I can't change, but I can't do it by myself, Daniel. I could do with a little more of your help."

"What good am I, though?" Dan whimpers.

"You give me a purpose, Dan," Phil answers simply. "If I can protect you, if I can just keep you alive..." He sighs, wiping his eyes. "If I die keeping you safe and out of harm's way, so be it. At least it was for something and not because I chose to give up. You're all I've got right now, and if you leave I'm right back to being nothing more than a burden in the world.

"If what you saw does happen, you are to get your feathery arse out of there, as quickly as you possibly can, because if I have to die, you're not allowed to let it be in vain. Understood?" Dan swallows hard, but nods.

"I understand."


	12. Wrapped My Thoughts Around Your Mind (Play It Back And Press Rewind)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Sick of Losing Soulmates - dodie (Intertwined - EP, 2016)  
> 2\. DKLA - Troye Sivan ft. Tkay Maidza (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)  
> 3\. Fun - Troye Sivan (TRXYE, 2014)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> DKLA  
> Troye Sivan feat. Tkay Maidza  
> Blue Neighbourhood  
> 2015

PJ feels absolutely ill.

He takes a deep breath through his mouth as he tries to avoid the sickening scent of formaldehyde, leaning over the counter.

This isn't what being a scientist is about, isn't what he agreed to when he took this job.

It's certainly not what he signed up for, at least not intentionally.

Chris enters the room, whistling cheerfully. PJ turns to face him, and Chris looks surprised to see him.

"Oh, hello," Chris greets. "Something the matter?"

"What we do here," PJ begins quietly, "do you think it's okay?" Chris is silent for a moment.

"I think in theory it could be," he answers slowly, "but in practice, maybe not."

"When I took this job, I signed up to help humanity," PJ tells him seriously. "I did not agree to destroy one person's soul for the sake of the human race." He sighs. "Grey, he has wings, yes, but does that make him any less of a human being?"

"No, it doesn't," Chris answers.

"So why the hell do we treat him like he's less than us?" PJ asks, sounding pained. "Why do we keep him locked up, like he's nothing but a criminal or a pet, when he's done nothing to deserve it? Why do we punish him for daring to ask questions, for forming his own thoughts, for being alive?"

"Because we have no other choice, Peej," Chris whispers. "This is a cutthroat place- do what you're told, when your told, and ask no questions. Cross the wrong person, and you'll be dead- or worse!- before dinner. We haven't got any other choice." PJ scoffs.

"I like you a lot, Chris Kendall, I really do," he begins, "but your lack of spine and inability to stand up for what's right truly disgusts me."

"I don't see you speaking out against anything!" Chris snaps. "You act all high and mighty, PJ, but you're just as bad as anyone and everyone else!"

"Who do you think treated him like a human being in this place- made him feel wanted?" PJ replies hotly. "It sure wasn't you! Random acts of kindness, Chris- the ones no one sees- are the ones that count. Things like talking to him about the outside world, bringing him small gifts, telling him jokes, refusing to hurt him- little things! You treated him like shit because you were more concerned about your own well-being."

"That is bullshit and you know it!" Chris argues.

"Yeah, right," PJ sighs, pushing past Chris as he goes to exit the room. "You're not like the others, Chris- you're not a bad person; you're just misguided and confused. Call me when you find some empathy- I know you have a soul somewhere."

"Fuck you, PJ Ligouri!" Chris shouts as the brunette walks down the hall. "Shit!"

The worst part, Chris realises with a sinking heart, is that he's exactly right.

For him, self-preservation always outweighs morality.


	13. Lights, Camera, Acción (I Can't Do It On My Own)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Art Deco - Lana Del Rey (Honeymoon, 2015)  
> 2\. Would You Be So Kind? - Dodie Clark (You - EP, 2017)  
> 3\. for him. - Troye Sivan feat. Allday (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by
> 
> High By The Beach  
> Lana Del Rey  
> Honeymoon  
> 2015

Phil would be lying if he said he wasn't scared.

He is- very much so.

Seven years ago, the idea of death would have been invigorating. It would have been something exciting, something to look forward to.

Now, he's not so sure.

It's been four weeks since Dan's vision, but there's been radio silence from the scientists. That doesn't bode well, Phil figures.

Phil goes about his life as normally as he can, with Dan alongside him, or course. Phil goes nowhere without Dan, and Dan stays practically attached to his hip. Phil has a swelling feeling of pride when he looks at far Dan has come.

He's not as jumpy in public- though he hates loud noises and crowds- and even talks to the producers and staff around the radio station. He's shy and timid around strangers, but chatty with people he knows. He's slowly learning the art of radio presenting by watching Phil, and while Dan doesn't quite understand how it all works, he's able to mimic what to do fairly easily. He can't be hired- Phil is pretty sure there's no government record of him- but he's good help, and it keeps them both distracted.

Phil is reluctant to open up to him for a while, and Dan is slightly distrustful, but they do slowly become friends. Dan sleeps in the guest bedroom, but a number of nights, Phil wakes up to find Dan curled up either on his floor or at the foot of his bed. He doesn't really mind- it's nice to have someone close by.

Over time, Phil learns what Dan likes- how he learns, how to talk to him, how to get him to open up.

Dan even tells Phil the last name he gave himself- Howell.

Daniel James Howell. It fits him perfectly, Phil decides. He adds it to the list of things that make Dan... well, Dan- the list of things he knows about the boy.

He doesn't like to be ordered around. Pet names are a no-go. He doesn't like being cornered. He likes to listen to Phil talk about the world. His full name is Daniel James Howell. He likes physical contact with Phil, but no one else. He likes music- things like alternative rock, and, Phil is surprised to find out, classical.

Muse. Bach. Drake. Panic! At The Disco. Radiohead. Tchaikovsky. The 1975. Beethoven. Fall Out Boy. Vivaldi. Chopin. My Chemical Romance. Kanye West. Troye Sivan. Stravinsky. Lana Del Rey. Grimes. Haydn.

These are the artists on rotation in their flat.

And there's the piano.

Phil's been meaning to sell the thing for years, but he's never gotten around to it.

The second he hears Dan play it, though, that resolution goes out the window. He plays everything from pop to rock to classical to instrumental. It's always beautiful, and Phil loves to sit down and listen to him play.

The most beautiful pieces, though- in Phil's humble opinion- are the ones he composes himself.

Phil's favourite is the aptly named 'Song Of The Caged Bird.'

One day, Dan decides to teach Phil how to play a song, despite Phil's protests. Dan's fingers slide over the ivory keys like a painter's brush over a canvas, but Phil is clumsy and awkward. Dan tries teaching the simple piano introduction to My Chemical Romance's 'Welcome To The Black Parade,' but Phil just can't do it. Some hours later, they collapse onto the floor, laughing, and Phil feels complete.

For the first time in seven years, Phil truly believes that everything will be fine, no matter what the future holds.

All he has to do is treasure moments like these and hold them close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are probably getting progressively shorter, but it's all for a reason. This one is to set the stage for the next events. ^-^  
> Don't worry, they'll get longer again soon.


	14. You Don't Have To Say I Love You To Say I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. BITE - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)  
> 2\. YOUTH - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)  
> 3\. Training Wheels - Melanie Martinez (Cry Baby, 2015)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> for him.  
> Troye Sivan feat. Allday  
> Blue Neighbourhood  
> 2015

It's a quiet Wednesday night some weeks later the first time it's said. Dan says it first, over Chinese takeaway. Phil is off on some ramble about chopsticks when suddenly Dan's lips are against his and he forgets just how to breathe.

It's slow and cautious and beautiful.

Holy crap, he's kissing Dan.

Kissing Dan is... wonderful. Phil can't describe it. He's time and space and everything in between and Phil can't comprehend it properly.

Dan pulls back after a long moment, his eyes wide.

"I love you," he breathes. Phil can't physically form words, so he sets down the container of takeaway and cards a hand through Dan's hair, pulling him close and kissing him again. Dan makes a small sound of surprise, but kisses Phil back. This time, it's a bit more heated- not sexual or lustful, but less cautious.

Caution be damned and thrown to the wind.

"You don't know," Phil mumbles, brushing Dan's hair from his face, "how long I've wanted to hear those words, how long I've wanted to do that." Even as he says it, Phil realises it's true. He hasn't let himself dwell on it much, but he's wanted Dan at least since the piano lesson. "How long I've wanted to repeat them." He takes a deep breath. "I love you too, Daniel James Howell." Dan laughs, clearly excited.

It's evident he didn't fully expect for Phil to return the sentiment, but he does- oh God, he does.

Phil stands, pulling Dan to his feet. Dan lets him, and Phil opens the blinds. They stand there for a long moment, watching the London traffic blur by in the dark. Phil wraps an arm around Dan's waist as the younger boy rests his head against his shoulder. Dan is taller than Phil by at least a good inch, but in this moment, he's Phil's to protect.

Oh, God- he's Phil's now.

"Thank you," Dan says quietly. Phil looks at him in surprise.

"I should be thanking you," Phil replies. "Without you, I'd probably be dead." Dan scoffs.

"Without you, I'd definitely be dead," he counters, stepping back. "You know that? If it weren't for you, I'd be flat out dead."

"But-" Phil's words are silenced as Dan pushes him against the wall and kisses him again. Phil lets him, shivering as he feels Dan's hands on his waist. In response, he slides his hands under the collar of Dan's t-shirt, letting the younger boy control the pace.

 _Yes_ , Phil thinks hazily.  _Everything will be just fine if I can just keep this boy in my life a little while longer. Screw what happens next. If I die, at least let me die happy._

_It's so much better that I'm dying happy rather than miserable._

And that is something he truly does believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna find out what happens next?  
> "It's Too Cold Outside (For Angels To Fly)" will tell you exactly that. Should be up tomorrow (don't hold me to that), and then it is back to our normally scheduled updating.  
> (Psh, who are we kidding I have no schedule)


	15. The Road Outside My House Is Paved With Good Intentions (But It's Hell On The Engine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Colors - Halsey (Badlands, 2015)  
> 2\. Happy Little Pill - Troye Sivan (TRXYE, 2014)  
> 3\. EASE - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)
> 
> https://www.open.spotify.com/user/nixie2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Hum Hallelujah  
> Fall Out Boy  
> Infinity On High  
> 2007
> 
> *this takes place the morning after It's Too Cold Outside (For Angels To Fly)*

Dan feels exhausted the next morning, but in an oddly good way. He smiles as he takes in Phil's sleeping face, gently kissing the older boy awake. Phil makes a sound of surprise, but upon realising what's happening, kisses Dan back lazily.

"'Morning, beautiful," Phil murmurs against Dan's lips. Dan freezes for a second, but relaxes as Phil distracts him with slow kisses and wandering hands.

"Hi," he breathes, pulling back. He winces as he sits up, a wave of pain travelling through his body.

"Sore?" Phil asks, grabbing his glasses off the nightstand and sitting up as well.

"A bit," Dan answers, "but in a good way. Not the 'ouch-why-the-fuck-am-I-alive?' kind of way I'm used to."

"You shouldn't be used to that," Phil says, feeling a bit angry. "No one should."

"You didn't hurt me, if that's your concern, Philip," Dan assures him. 

"Good," Phil replies, not entirely convinced. He watches as Dan stands and stretches his wings out, admiring the dark feathers. "You really are gorgeous." Dan scowls as he pulls on a pair of pyjama bottoms.

"Don't," he requests, folding his wings flat against his back again. "It reminds me of... him, and he's not allowed to be here. None of them are," he adds quietly, and Phil sees the spark of confusion and sadness that crosses Dan's face. Phil's seen that look more times than he cares to admit.

It's the look that Dan gets when he's remembering what they did to him.

Phil's silent as he pulls on a pair of pyjama bottoms as well, thinking. He's been meaning to bring up a certain point, but he doesn't know how Dan will react. He can't exactly put it off much longer, though.

"Do you want to make pancakes?" he asks. Dan looks taken aback, probably perplexed by Phil's sudden request, but nods. Phil smiles grimly.

Dan isn't going to like what he has to say- not in the slightest- so it may as well be over food so that it's easier to digest.

No pun intended, of course.

Phil giggles a bit at his own joke, because whether he meant to or not, it's funny. However, the gravity and significance of what's about to happen weighs back on him, more heavily than before, and he sighs.

It's time to ask Dan about telling the British government about him and getting this lab shut down as quickly as possible.


	16. Here's The Bad News For The Sinners And The Good News For The Saints (When You Break It Down, We're Really Just The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Young Volcanoes - Fall Out Boy (Save Rock And Roll, 2013)  
> 2\. Waving Through A Window - Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen, 2016)  
> 3\. Ghost - Halsey (Badlands, 2015)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Born Again  
> Saint Motel  
> Saint Motelevision  
> 2017

Jacob smirks as he reads over the report he's just finished, leaning back in his chair.

"Don't lean back in your chair," Dorthy complains.

"Make me," Jacob shoots back. Suddenly, the legs of his chair give out, and he lands on the floor, swearing a blue streak.

"If you weren't leaning back in your chair, I wouldn't have been able to do that," Dorthy reasons, helping him to his feet. Jacob rolls his eyes, but he can't help the small smile that crosses his face.

She's clever, he has to admit.

"This is far from over," he assures her, sitting back down. Dorthy laughs, taking her own seat.

"I'd like to see you try and get me, Kellerman," she replies.

"You're on, Palmer," he promises, saving his work. He glances up, frowning. "Hey, unmute the screen." Dorthy does, and the pair watch the live footage from the flat. There's some form of argument happening.

"-can't tell the fucking government about me!" Grey is shouting, obviously distraught. "They'll lock me up or kill me!"

"He gets that from you, I hope you know," Dorthy whispers. "The drama and the exquisite vocabulary- that's all on you."

"Shut up," Jacob scoffs, and Dorthy chuckles softly.

"Or they'll shut it down and everything will be fine!" the dark haired man- Phil, Jacob recalls- argues.

"Fuck!" Grey cries, pacing around the room. The boy is less sallow now, his skin a healthy shade of pale white, his brown curls tame, still tall and thin, but less skin and bones. "Phil, that's a huge 'or' there! Shit, I just- no! If you want me to do this, there better be no room for an 'or'!"

"Daniel, I-" Phil begins, but Grey shakes his head.

"No," he repeats. "I won't do it; I'm sorry." He sighs. "I'm going to get coffee. I'll bring you back a macchiato." He leaves Phil alone, and Jacob grabs his coat.

"Coffee's not the only thing being brought back, Grey," he vows. "You're about to question everything that boy's ever told you."

"You know what to do?" Dorthy asks.

"I'm not an idiot, Dorth," Jacob replies. "I came up with this plan, remember?"

"With my help," she reminds him. Jacob laughs, kissing the top of her head gently.

"What would I do without you?" he asks quietly.

"You'd be lost, Kellerman," she replies.

"I know. You make this tolerable, you know. Do you ever get the feeling you're being the bad guy in someone else's story?"

"Occasionally, I do. We do what we have to, though. For science and all that. Now go get him. God knows this project will be the death of us."

"No shit. I'll be glad when this is back out of our hands, because honestly, I'm about done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the unnecessary OC development. I wanted to show a more human side of them- remind you all that they're not all evil. No one is.
> 
> Similarly, no one is all good.


	17. I Worship Like A Dog At The Shrine Of Your Lies (I Will Tell You My Sins So You Can Sharpen Your Knife)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. Chocolate - The 1975 (The 1975, 2014)  
> 2\. FOOLS - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)  
> 3\. LOST BOY - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Take Me To Church  
> Hozier  
> Hozier  
> 2014

"Fancy seeing you here, Daniel," a cool voice says. Dan whirls around, coming face to face with Jacob. He tries to step back quickly, but falls against the counter.

"Stay away from me," he warns, his voice wavering.

"I only want to talk a moment," Jacob assures him. "You're free to leave at any moment, but I think you might want to hear me out." Dan swallows nervously, looking around. There are people around. Safety in numbers; Jacob wouldn't hurt him in front of a number of people- it would expose Dan and therefore the lab.

"You have exactly five minutes," Dan decides, reluctantly following Jacob to a back table. "After this, I never want to see your smug face again."

"Fair enough," Jacob allows. Dan can see something's different about him, but he can't put his finger on it. The sadistic, manipulative personality he associates with this man is nowhere in sight, and that scares Dan more than if it were there.

He's being completely sincere.

"Well?" Dan asks after a moment.

"Daniel Howell," Jacob whispers, removing his coat and draping it across the back of his chair. "You're aware you don't exist, correct?" Dan freezes- his name is supposed to be the one thing they don't know about him. "There's no record of you anywhere. Please, to save time, let's cut the crap. Grey, you're clever, but not quite that clever."

"If you know it's me, why haven't you come and gotten me yet?" Dan asks quietly. "I'd have thought you'd have stormed the flat or something- you know exactly where we live."

"It's interesting to see how you've changed over the past eight weeks," Jacob sighs. "That boy's changed you a bit, hasn't he? Done you a bit of good?"

"He showed me you lied about the world," Dan argues.

"He lies, too," Jacob fires back. Dan has no reply. "I've been researching him, Grey, and Phil Lester is not the saintly saviour you wish he was."

"Dan," Dan whispers. If he knows Dan's name, the least he can do is use it. "I left Grey behind."

"He had a boyfriend before you, you know," Jacob continues. "Has he told you why they broke up?"

"Because his boyfriend was a prat and thought his grieving was a pity party," Dan answers. Jacob laughs.

"Is that what he told you?" he asks, pulling out a piece of paper. "He's more intelligent than I thought, coming up with a pity inducing story like that. No, that's not true." He hands the paper to Dan, who reads it. He pales and sets it down, a look of horror on his face.

"No," he whispers. "That's not- Phil would never-"

"There's a whole police report as well, Dan," Jacob tells him. "Your perfect little Prince Charming is more of a Prince Harming than you thought."

"But-" Dan feels light headed. His whole perception of Phil- who he is, what he does- is shattering.

"Daniel, he's brilliant," Jacob continues. "He's got an incredibly high IQ, he has a degree from one of the most prestigious universities in the country. He could be anything, have anyone. Why you? Have you asked yourself that?"

"N-no," Dan stammers. "I haven't."

"He's a genius," Jacob answers simply. "They get bored. They like to play games and see how far they can bend things before they snap, and then they cover it up. You, you're innocent." Dan raises an eyebrow. "You know what I mean. You're inexperienced with the world and how it works, with it's inhabitants. That's our fault, frankly. He probably saw that the second he laid eyes on you and thought you'd make a fun little game. Tell me, how many people before him stopped to help you?"

"None," Dan answers. "They would hardly look at me."

"And then comes along a saint, offering you food and a place to stay and companionship," Jacob observes. "If something is too good to be true, love, it usually is." Dan flinches at the word 'love,' but it's not used in this manipulative fashion he usually hears it in. It's almost concerned. "You're in his debt. Have you tried to leave him?"

"Once," Dan says slowly. It occurs to him the five minutes he allotted are probably up, but he can't pull himself away from this conversation. It has a kind of sickening grip to it, the kind you just can't bring yourself to leave- like looking at a bad accident. "I tried to leave and it turned into a fight and he told me if I left, his life was meaningless. That he had no one and nothing."

"You stayed," Jacob points out. "Why?"

"I couldn't leave him, not after he lost his entire family, his friend and lover," Dan admits. Jacob gives him a pointed look, and Dan's eyes widen. "Oh, my fucking God."

"There you go," Jacob says gently. "Well, I expect you'll be wanting to get back now." He stands, pulling his dark coat around his body and looping a scarf around his neck.

"Wait!" Dan cries, standing. Jacob turns to face him again. "What happens now? Now that I know this, what happens?"

"I'm not going to lie to you," Jacob replies. "He'll probably kill you. There's no record of you, Dan- you exist only to the people who know you. That list isn't too extensive. He's smart enough to dispose of your body where it won't be found, as well." Dan looks terrified. "It's your choice as to what you do. You can come back with me, where you know you're at least not going to die, or risk it with him. What did I tell you, Daniel, all those weeks ago? I told you that the world is cruel and has no heart for the people unlike themselves. It's ruthless and cold hearted.

"Your time is running out- I reckon you have twenty four hours left to choose."


	18. I Wish I Could Believe You'd Never Wrong Me (Will You Remember Me In The Same Way As I Remember You?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco (Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die, 2013)  
> 2\. Sippy Cup - Melanie Martinez (Cry Baby, 2015)  
> 3\. Gasoline - Halsey (Badlands (Deluxe), 2015)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> House Of Memories  
> Panic! At The Disco  
> Death Of A Bachelor  
> 2016

Something is wrong with Dan. Phil sees it the moment the younger boy enters the flat, empty handed. Phil doesn't care about the lack of coffee, though- he cares about the fact that Dan looks like he's been whacked with an non-existent crowbar.

"What's wrong?" Phil asks.

"Stay back," Dan warns, backing up against the wall and standing on his toes- something Phil only knows him to do when he feels threatened. Phil steps back immediately, and Dan slowly comes down.

"What's going on?" Phil asks, genuinely confused.

"What's an average IQ?" Dan asks quietly. Phil frowns.

"About 120," he answers. "Why?"

"What's yours?" Dan questions.

"I hardly think that's-"

"What is yours?" Dan repeats forcefully.

"Mine is 138!" Phil answers, startled. "Why? What does it matter?" Dan draws in a deep breath.

"You told me your boyfriend broke up with you because he thought you were mopy," Dan accuses. Phil pales, sinking onto the couch. "That's not the truth, is it?"

"How- why- huh?" Phil finishes weakly.

"He only wanted to take a break until you were in a more stable mindset," Dan continues. Phil swallows nervously, inadvertently confirming what Dan's saying. "You didn't want that, though."

"Dan, I was incredibly ill," Phil sighs. "There's no excuse, but I'm not like that anymore!"

"You begged and pleaded with him," Dan presses on, sounding pained. "He said no. You pulled a knife- not on him, but on yourself."

"I was depressed, I was suicidal and I had nothing to lose, Daniel," Phil pleads. "I'm not like that anymore, honest."

"The scars on your wrists," Dan whispers. "I assumed they were from one of your attempts, but they aren't, are they?" Phil looks down, pulling his sleeves back down over his hands as he shakes his head. "You slit your wrists in an attempt to make him stay." Phil nods numbly. "Shit, Phil!"

"I didn't mean for it to go so far," Phil mumbles. "What I did was incredibly traumatising for Matthew, and there is no excuse, but that event, while part of my past, is not part of who I am. You have to understand that."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dan asks, his voice breaking. Phil scoffs.

"I'd just met you," he says. "I wasn't bloody well about to tell you I went crazy as a university student!"

"You didn't have to say anything!" Dan argues. "Hell, I didn't even know you had a boyfriend!"

"It's what I wish had happened!" Phil cries. "It'd have been so much better if Matthew had just been a pretentious arsehole! Instead, I ruined a relationship with one of the kindest people I've ever known. I begged and pleaded. He said no, then explained in the nicest way possible that he couldn't handle the dark moods I was always in, that he could- and would- gladly support me as a friend, but romantically, he couldn't handle it. After that, even now, it's so blurry. I woke up with eight stitches in my wrists, a police report and restraining order over my head, and my future almost in shambles. It's not exactly the kind of thing you want to relive, is it?" he asks sadly. He squints at Dan, and the younger boy can't read the strange look that crosses his face. 

"What?" Dan asks, unable to help the flutter of panic that creeps up in his chest.

"How did you find out about this?" Phil asks casually, crossing his legs at the ankles. Dan shrugs, trying to appear nonchalant. "Someone told you."

"No one told me anything," Dan denies. Phil scoffs.

"This isn't the kind of thing you accidentally discover whilst grabbing coffee," he reasons. "Nor is this incident common knowledge. I think I can count the number of people who know on one hand- my psychiatrist, the hospital staff, the police, the British government, and Matthew himself. It wasn't any of them. So, who told you?"

"I-I don't know!" Dan lies.

"You do," Phil accuses. "I can see it in your eyes- you're lying to me."

"I'm not," Dan argues, steeling his voice. Phil shakes his head, unconvinced. Dan hastily changes the subject. "What happens now, Phil?"

"What do you mean?" Phil asks, confused. "We continue about life with better understandings of each other, unless I'm missing something?" His tone is almost accusatory, like he knows Dan's withholding information.

He probably does- Dan's always been one to melt under pressure.

Now Dan just has to ask the question that's gnawing away at his sanity, no matter how much it costs.

"Are you going to kill me?" he blurts.

"Apparently I am missing something," Phil mutters, looking taken aback. He sighs. "Look- why would I have given you a place to stay, invested all this time into you, et cetera, et cetera, if I was just going to kill you? When did I ever give you that impression? Where the fu- no, I don't want to know. I don't even want to know!" Dan looks down, ashamed.

"I'm sorry," he apologises quietly. Phil rakes a hand through his hair, clearly annoyed.

"That really hurts, Daniel," he whispers. "I love you- I've told you that a million times over the past few weeks. I couldn't hurt you if I tried. What ever gave the idea I was planning on murdering you?" His eyes harden as he notes Dan's fidgety state. "It was the same person who told you about Matthew," he realises.

"N-no," Dan stammers as Phil stands and crosses the room, stopping hardly an inch from him.

"So someone did tell you," he observes. Dan looks shocked, and Phil laughs humourlessly. "Don't look so surprised- I can spot a discrepancy a mile away. Who?" Dan looks away, shaking his head.

"I don't know," he lies.

"Don't fucking lie to me!" Phil shouts suddenly, slamming a hand against the wall- he's lost patience for the first time since Dan's met him, and it's terrifying. Dan thought he was scary the first day, but that is nothing compared to how he is now. "Who told you?"

"I don't know!" Dan cries, shoving Phil back. Phil grabs his wrists and pins him against the wall, pressing his forehead against Dan's. Dan is a good inch taller, but in this moment, he feels like he's two feet tall.

"You do- I can see it," Phil growls, tightening his grip on Dan's wrists. "Stop lying to me. I've had enough." Dan's breathing is fast and erratic, and for a moment he wonders if Phil really is crazy.

"I don't," he denies, whimpering quietly as tears sting his eyes. "Phil, let go of me. Oh, God- please, let go of me!" Conflicting emotions cross Phil's face, and he releases Dan, who slides down the wall into a crouch, crying silently. Phil steps back in horror, a hand over his mouth.

"Dan, I-" Phil goes to do something, but before he can touch him, Dan grabs his wrist and forces him to the floor singlehandedly. "Fucking hell, Daniel!" he gasps. Dan pins him there, a ferocious glare in his glassy russet eyes.

"You're not stronger than me, Lester," he snarls. "You can't bully me into submission, goddamn it! I've had people do that to me my entire life, and I might have had to put up with it from them, but not from you. Understood?" Phil nods quickly, his face burning with what he can only describe as shame. Dan lets him up.

"Dan, if someone is spreading that story around, I need to know," Phil explains. "You know who it is- I know you do! Please, just tell me." Dan's eyes harden.

Phil doesn't deserve to know, he decides.

"If I knew, I'd tell you, but," Dan begins stubbornly, "I don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, Phil's oddly specific IQ.
> 
> My own is 138. Actually, my doctor thinks it's closer to 140-145, but I had a panic attack during the test.
> 
> 1% of the population have an IQ of 136 or higher.
> 
> That's how special we are.


	19. Where Did The Party Go? (We're Ending It On The Phone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter
> 
> 1\. THE QUIET - Troye Sivan (Blue Neighbourhood, 2015)  
> 2\. Alone Together - Fall Out Boy (Save Rock And Roll, 2013)  
> 3\. Touch - Troye Sivan (TRXYE, 2014)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Where Did The Party Go?  
> Fall Out Boy  
> Save Rock And Roll  
> 2013

Phil is roused into consciousness that night as his phone plays Muse's 'Madness'- Dan's ringtone.

The fact that Dan shouldn't be calling at three in the morning doesn't cross his half asleep mind as he answers and presses the phone to his ear.

"'Lo?" he mumbles sleepily. There's a deep breath on the other side of the line, followed by static and indistinct voices in the background.

"Hello, Philip Lester," a clear, seductive voice greets. Phil's blood turns to ice as he recognises the owner.

Jacob.

"I'm very sorry to disturb you so early," he continues as Phil sits up, "but I figure you might want to hear what I have to say."

"How the hell are you calling from Dan's phone?" Phil demands. "You don't have it."

"You sure?" Jacob asks, and Phil is out of bed in a second, the phone still pressed to his ear as he throws open Dan's bedroom door.

Empty.

"Where is he?" Phil shouts angrily. Jacob chuckles, and there's more indistinct noise in the background.

"He trusted you a lot, you know," Jacob tells him. "However, trust is easily shattered, isn't it?"

"You're the one who told him about Matthew," Phil realises, his breathing tight.

"I think you really sealed the deal, though, shoving him against the wall like that," Jacob affirms, and Phil can hear that self-satisfied smirk. "He's an animal at his core- when threatened, they do what, Phil?" Phil is silent. "What do animals do when frightened, Philip?"

"They- they run," Phil whispers.

"How close is he, Grey?" Jacob calls. There's a crackling sound, and then laboured breathing. "Well, go ahead and answer, gorgeous. I'm sure he'd love to hear your posh little voice."

"I don't- God, no," someone moans. Phil feels faint.

That's Dan.

"Dan!" Phil shouts, panic taking over. He blindly pulls on a t-shirt, kicking off his pyjamas and yanking on a pair of boxers and jeans. "Where-" He doesn't have to finish, because Dan is screaming back a location.

"Nylo!"

"Shut him up!" someone shouts. There's a sickening thud as metal connects with bone, and then silence. Phil swallows back bile as he stuffs his wallet in his back pocket, pulling on a pair of socks and shoes.

"Fucking-" Jacob mutters, and there's the rhythmic clacking of typing for a second. "Phil Lester, you're a disaster of a being, I hope you know," he announces.

"I know," Phil replies quietly. "Believe me when I say you're not telling me anything I don't already know."

"The point is," Jacob continues, seemingly distracted by something, "is he's not an angel, and you're no hero. It's high time you learned that, love." The line goes dead, and Phil is out the door in seconds, hailing a cab and wheezing out the location.

He knows, way in the back of his head, that this is where it either goes horribly wrong or perfectly fine.


	20. In Poisoned Places, We Are Anti-Venom (We're The Beginning Of The End)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Young Volcanoes  
> Fall Out Boy  
> Save Rock And Roll  
> 2013

Phil spits out a rushed thanks to the cabbie, throwing a handful of notes onto the passenger seat. The cab disappears, and Phil wanders up and down the street, searching for the location. All the buildings look the same on this busy London street, though, and it takes Phil several minutes to locate the desolate bar. He frowns.

A bar?

He notices an 'out of business' sign. There's a distinct lack of traffic in and out of the building, and all the lights are out.

A front.

Phil waits for a lull in the traffic of the street and carefully slides into the building, letting the door shut behind him. He can't see more than five feet in any direction, and there's no sign of life.

He shoves that thought to the back of his head as if it were poison.

"Hello?" Phil calls, ignoring the gnawing feeling of panic in his chest. It occurs to him this is an awful idea, alerting whatever's back here to his presence, but he gets that sinking feeling that they already know.

He has a feeling they already know everything.

Suddenly something presses against Phil's neck, forcing all his muscles to tense and then relax quickly. His legs give out immediately, and a pair of legs enter his bleary vision.

"Well, that was easy," a voice muses. Strong hands grip his arms and haul his limp body upright, roughly shoving him into a chair. Phil groans as his hands are tied to the arms of the chair, letting his eyes open and meet blue ones. "Honestly, I expected so much more from you, but you just waltzed right in, didn't you?"

"What?" Phil mumbles. The single syllable word takes a tremendous amount of effort to form. Jacob sighs, and Phil sees a flicker of sadness on his face.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this," he whispers. "I really am, Phil."

"Dan," Phil murmurs. "Where?"

"For someone so incredibly brilliant, you're slow, Lester," Jacob replies. "Pretty boy, your lover's not here." Phil feels light headed as the weight of what's been said hits him.

He's brought about the beginning of the end.

Dan's dream- Phil's just made it a reality, and now there's exactly two ways this ends.

Either he dies, or he loses his freedom, and he's not sure which is worse.

"Let's pay him a call, why don't we?" Jacob asks, sitting at a computer. Phil watches as he pulls up footage of the flat, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. "He went out for a little flight after you went to bed," Jacob explains. "The audio was from about five months prior."

"Oh," Phil breathes. He feels like a fool- which isn't something he experiences often.

"Not the first time he's done this," Jacob continues, typing something. "He goes out about twice a week, for a couple hours." He checks his watch. "Should be back any moment, and then we can get on with it." He turns to Phil with sad eyes.

"What's it?" Phil asks, not really wanting to know. He's regained the ability to move, but he knows resistance is futile, so he stays still, resigning himself to his fate.

"It's the beginning of the end for both of you, Philip."


	21. I Will Never End Up Like Him (Behind My Back I Already Am)

Dan slips silently into the flat, half-expecting Phil to be on him like a mother hen.

He has to chuckle at the irony.

Dan pauses outside Phil's door, listening for signs of awakening, but there's nothing. He must still be asleep. Dan pushes his own door open, ignoring the fact it's slightly ajar. He curls up on the wide bed and stares at the wall, his wings twitching every so often.

"Fuck off," he whispers, tightening his muscles. "I just flew, you got your usage." After about ten minutes of staring ahead blankly, he stands and throws open his door. He pauses outside Phil's room, debating entering.

He decides to.

Opening the door silently, Dan is immediately alert to the lack of steady breathing, how Phil doesn't move at the sound. Panic bubbles up inside him at the terrifying realisation.

Phil isn't there.

Dan races down the stairs, screaming Phil's name.

There's no reply- all Dan can hear is the frantic thumping of his heart.

This can't be happening.

"Hello, Daniel," a voice greets. Dan turns to see the television on. A staticky image shows a blond man in a location he doesn't recognise.

"I should've known," Dan spits. "You were bullshitting me the whole goddamn time!"

"Sorry," Jacob replies, and Dan sees the tiniest change in his expression.

"Where's Phil?" he demands. "What have you done with him?"

"You want to answer that, Phil?" Jacob asks, moving to the left. Dan gasps, covering his mouth.

Phil, tied to a chair. Phil, looking terrified for his life.

Phil, at the mercy of people who have none to give him.

"Hi," Phil offers weakly. "Guess you were right." He laughs humourlessly.

"Fuck!" Dan shouts, pulling at his hair. "You knew- Phil! Where are you?"

"It's Nylo-" Phil begins, but then someone Dan doesn't recognise is yanking his head back by his hair and forcing a gag in his mouth. Phil fights for a moment, but a needle jams into his neck and he's gone.

"Let him go," Dan orders, steeling his voice.

"Not bloody likely," Jacob replies. "Come and get him, Howell. You know where we're at." The screen goes back and Dan screams, sweeping everything off the tables. He can't think, can't breathe, can't anything.

It's here, it's real, it's worse than he feared. No matter how mad he is as Phil, he can't let him die, and Jacob knows that.

The decision was made weeks ago, when Dan and Phil met.

Dan exits the flat with a slam of the door and takes to the night sky.


	22. When The Skies Are Open, We'll Still Be Singing This (I Know They're Coming For Me; We're Not The Pitchfork Kids)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Pitchfork Kids  
> AJR  
> Living Room  
> 2015

PJ watches silently from the corner, his stomach twisting with nerves and dread. Jacob doesn't know he's here.

PJ doesn't know Chris is here, either.

"Don't scream," Chris whispers. PJ jumps, turning towards the other scientist.

"What are you doing here?" PJ hisses. "You're getting to get us caught!"

"I'm here to help," Chris explains, his words hushed and hurried. "You're right, Peej. You were always right- I'm selfish and too self-interested and weak and I'm sorry. Let me make up for my mistakes. Let me do the right thing now. I can't change what I've done, but I can change my actions now." He looks up at PJ with tears in his hazel eyes, and he balls his hands up. "Please," Chris whispers. PJ pulls him close, hugging him tightly. Chris stiffens, but hugs him back.

"I knew you were good, Chris," he murmurs against Chris' ear. He pulls back. "We have to stop this."

"How?" Chris asks. "Say the word and I will follow you. Give me the command and I will execute it, Peej. This has been a long time coming."

"I'm not sure," PJ admits, peering out through the door. "From what I've gathered, there are forces around the building. Snipers on the roofs of the neighbouring establishments. All the scientists here are armed. They have a hostage- Phil."

"They want Grey," Chris realises. PJ nods.

"It seems he's on the way. Once he's in the building, they'll lock it down. If he manages to escape, there's snipers still- and Phil. They'll kill him if Grey doesn't turn himself in, though from what I've gathered, he already knows that. So he'll sacrifice himself to save Phil."

"They won't care," Chris argues. "They'll kill him anyway- he knows too much."

"Which is why we're going to save them, Chris," PJ replies. He pulls a gun out of his pocket, sliding a loaded magazine into it. He turns on the safety and hands it to Chris, who takes it.

"Were you planning on storming this place by yourself?" Chris asks. PJ nods. "You'd have gotten yourself killed."

"Doing the right thing means making sacrifices," PJ explains, "and if that means we die, so be it."

"I'm right behind you, Liguori. I promise you that much."

"I know you are. I trust you," PJ says, giving Chris a small smile.

"That means a lot, coming from you," Chris says shyly. PJ shrugs, glancing out again. The main door swings open, and there's the sound of scuffling outside. A familiar brown haired figure steps into sight, and PJ pulls out his own gun.

"Don't let me down, Kendall," he tells Chris, cocking his gun. Chris does the same.

"It's showtime."


	23. We Are The Jack-O-Lanterns In July, Setting Fire To The Sky, So Come On (Put On Your War Paint)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> The Phoenix  
> Fall Out Boy  
> Save Rock And Roll  
> 2013

Dan shoves the door open, white hot anger coursing through his veins.

He's going to die tonight.

So is Phil.

Somehow, the thought of Phil's death angers him significantly more than the thought of his own.

"Come and play!" Dan screams, putting his arms up. "You've got what you wanted! I'm here!"

He hears the click of a gun cocking behind him and instinctively ducks. The bullet hits the wall, sending brick pieces spraying over the floor. Dan turns, kicking the gun out of a man's hand. He grabs it, cocks it, and shoots without hesitation. The man crumples, and Dan turns away, forcing himself to continue moving.

Dan was never much of a fighter, but he can take care of himself.

Phil can't.

Dan notices the blood on his shoes. He gags, the full weight of what he's just done hitting him.

He killed a man who's name he didn't even know.

"It was him or me," Dan tells himself. "He would have killed you without a care. You protected yourself."

He's never killed anyone before.

Somehow, he knows that man was only the first of the laundry list of people fated to die tonight.

He sees the white of a lab coat, and he races towards it. There's a sound on his left and he shoots without looking. There's a sickening squelch and then nothing.

He's no better than these people, he realises.

That's infinitely more horrifying than anything he's ever seen.

"Daniel," Jacob greets as Dan bursts into the room. Phil is nowhere in sight. "What a surprise." He looks up, not acknowledging the gun Dan has in his left hand. "And by surprise, I mean completely expected, of course."

"Phil," Dan says, his voice catching. "Where is he?"

"Why do you care about him so much?" Jacob asks, turning his swivel chair towards Dan. He crosses his legs, leaning forward. "He lied to you. He's not a hero. He's not even healthy. Why does he matter to you?"

"Phil isn't perfect," Dan acknowledges. "He's nowhere close to perfect and he never will be, but he has a good heart. His intentions are for the best of everyone else; fuck his own safety. He's a good man, and that's more than I can say for you."

"Is that why you're here?" Jacob asks. "To carry out my sentence?" He gestures to the gun almost flippantly.

"You deserve to burn, Jacob," Dan whispers.

"Then go ahead and get on with it," the scientist says. "Kill me and walk away, Dan. End it. I'm done being the bad guy in your story." Dan cocks the gun and Jacob doesn't even flinch. Dan points it at his head.

And he hesitates.

"Go on!" Jacob shouts. "I'm the one who causes all the problems, right? The antagonist in your little epic? The men you killed, they were the supporting players. You and your lover, you're the stars. So kill the antagonistic character and live happily ever after, Daniel." Dan tightens his grip on the gun, drawing in a deep breath.

It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't it shouldn't it shouldn't.

But it is. Why?

Because Jacob is his own person- the "star," to use his analogy, in his own story.

Dan can't condemn him when he's no better.

There's a story from the Bible that comes to mind. A woman was caught having sex with a man- an adultress- and was brought to the square to be stoned, as was the custom of the time. Jesus arrived and asked what happened.

"This woman is an adultress," replied the crowd. "The laws from Moses state she should be stoned to death for such a crime."

"Whoever is free from sin," replied Jesus, "let him throw the first stone."

Well, Dan is not free from sin, and he cannot throw the first stone.

So he lowers the gun and steps back, feeling sick.

"You can't do it, can you?" Jacob asks. He doesn't seem surprised.

"I don't- I'm not here to kill you," Dan says quietly. "I just want Phil. That's all. So let him go and we'll be on our way. No one has to die tonight. No one should die."

"You don't get to decide that, Daniel," Jacob tells him. "You killed two men already. Did you even know who they were?" Dan doesn't answer. "Did you know their stories? Their names? They had lives, Dan, and you ended them without a second thought."

"I didn't-" Dan begins, but Jacob scoffs and shakes his head.

"The first man was Doctor John Marlee," Jacob says. "He had a wife and two children- a son and a daughter. You made them a widow and partial orphans. The son is set to graduate from university in a week. He waited his entire life to walk the stage while his parents watched, and you took that dream away from him. The girl is only ten.

"The second man was Doctor Brandon Collins. He had a fiancee- he proposed to his girlfriend last night. That future they were so excited to share disappeared the second you pulled the trigger. He was young, too- only twenty four. Two years younger than yourself.

"Why can you kill them and not me?" Jacob asks. "Because I brought the fact that you're not the the only one with a life, Daniel? That it's not as black and white as you like to think?"

"Shut up!" Dan shouts. He can kill this man, he will, he needs to.

But he can't.

"Weak," Jacob sighs. "You can't even stand up for what you believe is right, and while we really are just the same, Daniel, that is what makes us completely different. I will stand up for what I believe is right. I am willing to make sacrifices." He stands, pulling out a gun and pointing it at Dan's head. "That's why I have to do this, even at the expense of my own life."

"Phil," Dan whispers. "You have to let him go."

"I must kill the monster I've created, Daniel, and the people he's infected," Jacob whispers. "That means you and Phil both." He draws in a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I really am." He squeezes the trigger, and Dan ducks. He sweeps Jacob's legs out from beneath him, knocking the blond to the floor. He gasps, wheezing for air, and Dan kicks the gun away.

"Where is he?" Dan demands. Jacob chuckles softly.

"You really do care about him, don't you?" he asks. "Bring him out!" he calls to someone out of sight. A female scientist guides a dark haired figure into the room, and he stumbles, falling to his knees. He looks up at Dan with wide eyes, and all the anger Dan had melts away.

Phil is alive, he's safe, and he's whole.

Okay, maybe not whole, and maybe not healthy, but alive.

"Dan," he whispers. Dan leaves Jacob, pulling Phil to his feet. Phil wraps his arms around Dan's body, hugging him tightly. Dan does the same.

He has Phil, and no one is ever going to take him away again.

And if they do, it will be over Dan's dead body.

"You had to chance to end this quickly and easily, Dan," Jacob says. "Let this be your reminder that you had the chance to end this with minimal bloodshed, but you chose to fight. No one had to die tonight, if only you had given yourselves up.

"Let the games begin."

Jacob slams his hand down on a button, and there's a shrill ringing in the air. Dan yelps, covering his ears, and when he looks up, there's a group of scientists, each with a gun in their hand. Dan counts at least ten, but there are far more than that.

The odds are not in their favour.

"Two against thirty," Jacob says. "Seems fair enough, doesn't it?"

"Four against thirty," a voice refutes. Dan turns, and he sees a familiar head of brown curls.

"PJ," he breathes. The scientist smiles warmly.

"You go by Dan now, huh?" he asks. "You never were one to be told how to live, were you?" Dan laughs, shaking his head. "Phil, nice to see you again."

"Hi," Phil replies, waving. "Good to see you as well, but shame it's under these circumstances, isn't it?"

"Don't forget about me," a second voice pipes in. "Christopher Kendall, at your service."

"Nice to meet you," Phil says. Chris tosses him a gun, and Phil catches it, flicking off the safety and cocking it expertly. Dan gets the feeling it's not his first time with the weapon, but now's not the time to dwell on Phil's long list of secrets.

"So, four against thirty," Dan says casually, turning back to Jacob. "You're a coward, but at least we'll go down fighting."

"Liguori and Kendall are fools," Jacob replies, "but that is no concern of mine. We will do what we see as right." There's a murmur of agreement.

"And so will we," Phil says.

"If we die, so be it," PJ agrees, raising his own gun. "I'm awfully sorry it had to be this way, Kellerman. I know you're not a terrible person, but I can't let you play God and take away the lives of two people who have done nothing to you."

"Most disputes die and no one shoots," Chris offers.

"Enough talk," a woman drawls. "Last chance to negotiate." Dan flips her off, and her pale face flushes as scarlet as her hair.

"Look them in the eye, aim no higher," Phil whispers. "Summon all the courage you require..."

There's a loud _BANG!_

And chaos erupts.


	24. Now I'm Covered In The Colours (Pulled Apart At The Seams)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Colors  
> Halsey  
> Badlands  
> 2015

Phil draws in a deep breath and shoots, not waiting to see if the bullet struck it's target. The air rings with gunshots, but as far as he can see, their little ragtag band of four is still intact.

The only ones that are dead are the scientists.

That almost feels wrong, but where there should be empathy and remorse, Phil feels nothing.

The kids at school were right- he is nothing more than a psychopathic killer, a murderer waiting to harvest his first victim. That should scare him, right?

It doesn't. Where Phil should feel everything, he feels nothing at all. That should scare the shit out of him, but it doesn't and that should scare him as well, but it doesn't.

He is only going through the motions.

Phil should be afraid of these people. He's not.

He should be scared for his life. He's not.

He should be worried about Dan, but he's not.

He should be glad to have help. He's not.

He should be concerned about the two men putting their lives on the line for him. He's not.

He should be horrified that he's killed people without a thought. He's not.

Who is Phil Lester? Phil has asked himself that a hundred million times over thirty years, but now he knows exactly what the answer is.

He is crazy, and that is perfectly fine.

"This one's for Mum and Dad " Phil murmurs, shooting again. "And for Martyn, Cornelia, Charlie, Matthew- everyone I've ever hurt.

"Look at what I've become," he whispers, his voice breaking. "I've become everything I hate." He never breaks the rhythm of cock, shoot, repeat except to reload with the ammunition PJ slips in his pocket.

"Are you happy?" a voice asks. Phil can't tell if anyone is really asking, or if it's in his head.

Either way, the answer is the same.

Yes and no. Happiness is not black and white. It is a million shades of grey. He is happy in some areas and not in others. That question cannot be answered simply.

"Are you a good man?"

Neither can that one.

It was never meant to be a simple question. There is no way to answer it quickly with a rushed yes or no.

Because, just like everyone here, Phil is grey.

He is not a good man, but he's not a bad one, either.

He's just telling himself this when he feels a stabbing sensation just beneath his ribs.


	25. Choose Your Last Words, This Is The Last Time ('Cause You And I... We Were Born To Die)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from
> 
> Born To Die  
> Lana Del Rey  
> Born To Die  
> 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. It's complete.

Phil stares in shock at the knife protruding from his stomach, gasping for air. He collapses to his knees, and Dan abandons all thoughts of his own safety.

"Phil!" he screams, running towards the older boy.

"Duck!" PJ commands. Dan does so, and a bullet goes whizzing over his head. The room is slick with blood, and Dan is coated in the stuff, but he doesn't care.

All that matters is reaching Phil, stopping the blood that pools and mingles with the blood of other equally greyed out people. Phil doesn't deserve to die.

None of these people do, no matter how horrible the things they've done during their life are.

"Hey, hey," Dan whispers, smoothing Phil's dark hair from his face. Phil grips his hand tightly, gasping and wheezing.

"Dan," he moans. Dan shushes him, leaning forward and kissing him. Phil's lips fall open, and he lets Dan kiss him slowly. He must know this is goodbye, because the kiss is slow and longing and loving and there's a sense of urgency to it- like, even though Dan is right here, he already misses him.

"Phil, you're not allowed to die," Dan whispers. Phil laughs weakly, cupping Dan's cheek. Dan can feel the blood on his skin, sticky against his cheek as it congeals.

"I don't think it's my choice, Daniel," he replies quietly. "There's someone up there, and they're the one running the show. They've decided it's time for my portion of the story to end. You have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story." He draws in a shaky breath, his blue eyes glazing over as they fill with tears.

"Phil," Dan breathes, his voice catching on the single syllable. "I forgive you." Phil smiles gently, as Dan grips his hand and squeezes appreciatively.

"I love you," Phil mouths. His body goes limp, his eyes stay halfway open as his head falls to the side. His hand stays against Dan's face, glued there with blood.

"No," Dan whispers. Louder. "No." He screams it. " _No!_ "

"Dan, get down!" Dan screams in pain as the bullet rips through the skin of his shoulder, the force sending him falling forward.

"Fuck," he breathes, ripping off a strip of fabric from his shirt and applying to to the wound. It hurts like hell, but he can't die.

He can't he can't he can't.

Not when Phil just died to keep him alive.

Dan stands, whirling around. The room is coated in blood.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

The future is never set in stone, though, and the choices made by each of the people in this room manipulated the image he had so gotten used to.

He made the mistake of assuming what he saw would be how it would go.

That mistake cost so many people their lives.

Nothing is ever the same. No one remains the same person for more than an instant. Everything is in the past aside from the instant it happens.

That's terrifying, because if no one stays the same, then who is Dan now?

He can't let himself think about that now. If he survives, then he can regret the decisions he's made for the rest of his life.

On the bright side, the rest of his life doesn't look to be much longer.

Dan fires blindly, panic and grief making it hard to focus. He can't see who's friend or foe, but is there really a difference anymore?

No. There never was.

And then he sees Chris collapse, sees PJ rush to his side. He sees Chris' lips move, sees his head fall to the side. He sees PJ wipe tears from his eyes, sees PJ stand with a sense of purpose. He sees PJ shoot.

He feels the barrel of a gun against his head.

Dan turns slowly, his russet eyes meeting Jacob's blue ones. The blond's stance is unwavering. He is truly prepared to kill.

He truly believes it's for the greater good.

Well, Dan isn't sure he can shatter that illusion.

"I gave you a chance, Daniel," Jacob says. "Because of you, a number of good men and women died today. You fought to protect the one you love. You never stopped to think that maybe we were doing to the same."

"What are you talking about?" Dan asks, never moving. If he's still, maybe Jacob won't shoot.

"You really think we like hurting people?" Jacob asks. "We don't. We're not cold hearted. We do things because we have no other choice, no other option. Because if we don't, we die.

"For those of us who do not hold our own lives in high regard, our families die."

"Who?" Dan questions quietly.

"I have a sister," Jacob explains. "She could die at the moment I choose to leave this job. She has a daughter, a husband. She's expecting a second child. They don't even know if it's a boy or girl yet. I can't let her die."

"So you'll kill me instead," Dan realises, "because I have no one."

"I'm sorry," Jacob says, and there's genuine emotion in his voice, tears sliding down his pale face. "I never wanted it to come to this, Dan. I tried so hard to be a good person, but I've always fallen short. We all will always fall short of what we want." He gestures to the group of people around them, the bodies littering the floor, the people coated in blood, the people wounded. "How despicable we must seem to you, but it was never that simple."

"Nothing is ever that simple," Dan replies, and he sways, slightly dizzy from blood loss.

"I treated you horribly and there's no excuse," Jacob continues. "I played the role of bad guy because it was the one I was handed."

"You could trade it in," Dan pleads. "You could change."

"If only it were that simple," Jacob sighs. He tightens his grip on the gun. "Good bye, Daniel Howell. May you always be the better man.

"The moral high ground is yours."

He pulls the trigger.

There's a second of unimaginable pain as Dan's skull shatters and his brain explodes and his heart is no longer told to beat and his lungs lose air.

And then nothing.

There's nothing and everything, but mostly nothing.

\---

You count the dead.

_1\. Daniel Howell._

_2\. Philip Lester._

_3\. Christopher Kendall._

_4\. John Marlee._

_5\. Brandon Collins._

_6\. Lillian Jones._

_7\. Manuel Grant._

_8\. Dolores Kalee._

_9\. Dmitri Johns._

_10\. Charlie Carroll._

_11\. Sasha Lovelis._

_12\. Adam Joseph._

_13\. Tyler Aston._

You realise you knew almost none of them. Nothing about their lives, their families. You only knew what they'd done.

Suffered beautifully. Will never be beautified.

You are just the same, you know. You will die. No one will know anything about you. They will only know what you've done.

Your own mortality is a real issue. You feel the blood trailing down your leg, staining your clothes. You slide down onto the floor.

You thought you were the one thing in life you could control, but you were always under someone- or something- else.

_"There's someone up there, and they're the one running the show. They've decided it's time for my portion of the story to end. You have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story."_

This is where the whole story ends, you realise. You may be the bad guy, but you're bad for the right reasons. Similarly, you're good for the wrong reasons at times to.

You add yourself to the list of the dead.

_14\. Jacob Kellerman._

You did it. You did what you were commanded to do by a force greater than yourself. You were controlled by an author who forced you to do as they so wished. Because the story was never about Dan, or Phil, or Chris, or PJ, or Dorthy, or yourself.

It was the product of an imagination, a creation of a person who so wanted to escape their own world. They created a world where they could control it all, because they could not control the one they were in.

You were manipulated, misguided and confused, and you will pay for that with your life.

You are paying for it.

You were.

That's what death does. It shifts from the present to the past. Changes is to was. Erases the blurred lines of morality.

The details become fuzzy, always. The story will be told, but no one will tell it perfectly.

You resign yourself to death, let the end come. You let the story wrap up cleanly. No cliffhangers, no loose ties.

However, _death is only the end if you assume the story is about you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the twist ending there, but I wanted to show that you are just as grey as the characters in this story. You are a mixture of good and bad. You are not as black and white as you may like to think, dear reader.
> 
> Neither am I, truthfully.
> 
> However, I dutifully apologise for any emotional disturbance I may have caused during this fic, but you were warned.
> 
> ~Phanwich ♡

**Author's Note:**

> Do you completely hate me?
> 
> If not...
> 
> "It's Better To Burn Than To Fade Away (It's Better To Leave Than To Be Replaced)" is officially mapped out as a chaptered fic! Keep an eye out for that.


End file.
